October 23, 2011

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You know that feeling when you're so anxious and upset that you can actually feel your stress level damaging your body? The excess cortisol production, the loss of appetite, the tight sick feeling when you can't even cry? And you know that you really need to calm down and eat something, but you can't stop freaking out and you can't focus on anything else. The past two days have been like that.

Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my apartment and working on my dissertation. All I do is lie on my couch listening to music.

Also, I have these student e-mails to answer. Extension requests, questions, someone is thinking of dropping the class. I've just been staring at them.

Last night, I babysat for my professor, and I was fine. As soon as I was there in front of him, I was able to smile and say everything is going well. I know I'll be able to teach my class and hold office hours -- I can do my job when other people are looking at me, expecting me to be normal and pleasant and fine. It's just when I'm alone that my stress takes over.

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