September 4, 2011

Stupid thing

My computer has been repaired -- the technicians blotted up the coffee and replaced the top half -- and my internet is finally working. I'm settled, unpacked. I have everything I need... except money... but there's nothing I can do about my debts right now. It happened. The money is gone.

And I can't make myself do anything. I can't focus. I haven't done any work in about two weeks -- understandably, I think, considering the incredible amount of labor involved in the move, plus the sleep deprivation and the stress.

But now the move is finished, and I am just sitting here.

I feel very disconnected from graduate school right now. Last night, I admitted to a friend that I never really wanted to be ready for the job market this fall. While part of me felt pressure to try to be ready, another part of me really didn't want it to happen.

The truth is, I'm afraid to apply for jobs because I don't want to get a job offer that is anywhere except here. I don't want to leave. I can't move to some miserable rural hellhole where there are no gay people and I'm a freak -- but even if I got a fantastic job offer in another big, lefty city, I wouldn't want to take it. This city is my home, and I don't want to leave my community. And... I don't want to move away from her.

I can imagine my advisors' faces if I were to tell them that I'm unwilling to move. It would not be okay. It's safer to be a slacker, to be failing to get enough work done for whatever reason -- not ready to graduate because I just don't have it together.

Maybe another year will give me enough time to sort out my personal life, my feelings, and my values, and then the right thing will be clear. But I'm starting to worry that I will have to make this big decision, and I won't know what to do.

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