Stupid thing
My computer has been repaired -- the technicians blotted up the coffee and replaced the top half -- and my internet is finally working. I'm settled, unpacked. I have everything I need... except money... but there's nothing I can do about my debts right now. It happened. The money is gone.
And I can't make myself do anything. I can't focus. I haven't done any work in about two weeks -- understandably, I think, considering the incredible amount of labor involved in the move, plus the sleep deprivation and the stress.
But now the move is finished, and I am just sitting here.
I feel very disconnected from graduate school right now. Last night, I admitted to a friend that I never really wanted to be ready for the job market this fall. While part of me felt pressure to try to be ready, another part of me really didn't want it to happen.
The truth is, I'm afraid to apply for jobs because I don't want to get a job offer that is anywhere except here. I don't want to leave. I can't move to some miserable rural hellhole where there are no gay people and I'm a freak -- but even if I got a fantastic job offer in another big, lefty city, I wouldn't want to take it. This city is my home, and I don't want to leave my community. And... I don't want to move away from her.
I can imagine my advisors' faces if I were to tell them that I'm unwilling to move. It would not be okay. It's safer to be a slacker, to be failing to get enough work done for whatever reason -- not ready to graduate because I just don't have it together.
Maybe another year will give me enough time to sort out my personal life, my feelings, and my values, and then the right thing will be clear. But I'm starting to worry that I will have to make this big decision, and I won't know what to do.
And I can't make myself do anything. I can't focus. I haven't done any work in about two weeks -- understandably, I think, considering the incredible amount of labor involved in the move, plus the sleep deprivation and the stress.
But now the move is finished, and I am just sitting here.
I feel very disconnected from graduate school right now. Last night, I admitted to a friend that I never really wanted to be ready for the job market this fall. While part of me felt pressure to try to be ready, another part of me really didn't want it to happen.
The truth is, I'm afraid to apply for jobs because I don't want to get a job offer that is anywhere except here. I don't want to leave. I can't move to some miserable rural hellhole where there are no gay people and I'm a freak -- but even if I got a fantastic job offer in another big, lefty city, I wouldn't want to take it. This city is my home, and I don't want to leave my community. And... I don't want to move away from her.
I can imagine my advisors' faces if I were to tell them that I'm unwilling to move. It would not be okay. It's safer to be a slacker, to be failing to get enough work done for whatever reason -- not ready to graduate because I just don't have it together.
Maybe another year will give me enough time to sort out my personal life, my feelings, and my values, and then the right thing will be clear. But I'm starting to worry that I will have to make this big decision, and I won't know what to do.
-- Di Di at
9:37 PM
4 Comments:
Moving away from grad school city, where I built a life for 6 years (!), was very difficult. Actually, quite a few of my cohort stayed in town, even after graduation, because that is where their personal lives were. Moving/location is one of the worst things about working in academia, I think. :(
But moving can also work out. You never know - you might move somewhere you love. I miss grad school city, but I'm starting to really enjoy living here. It took a bit, but I've now found some really good friends in my new city, etc. Somehow, it will work out.
If possible, I'd like to recommend selectively going on the market this year - applying to just a handful of schools, maybe. Even if you end up deciding you're not ready, I think the practice with the applications, job talks, etc., will be very useful, even if you don't end up getting a job.
By
caroline, at 9/5/11, 2:56 AM
I agree with the previous commenter that apply to a few select jobs this year can not hurt and may help you in a number of ways.
I ended up giving up my hopes of an academic job precisely for this reason. I miss teaching and doing my own research but I still really love living here and now that I have a child I appreciate it all the more.
By
Psych Post Doc, at 9/6/11, 1:15 PM
I agree with Caroline and Psych Post Doc about selecting a few schools just to see what happens. It would (a) give you experience, practice and ultimately more confidence with the whole process, (b) you'll get a better idea at type of cities/towns you could handle moving to and living with and (c) show your committee that you're committed to your career. You don't need to tell your committee that you're not sure what's up, where you'd like to move etc...there's not a law that requires you to do this. Hang in there...it will work out.
By
Anthea, at 9/6/11, 2:46 PM
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