Okay, I decided to tell you guys everything.
I'm a mess and I just need to write about it.
My apartment is infested with bed bugs. I found out in mid-July. These are the bugs that live in your bed and suck your blood while you sleep. I'm already terrified of bugs. I'm the girl who still runs away from bees, and people think I'm kidding or trying to be cute, but I have this chemical fear reaction that I can't control. My most frequent nightmare is that bugs are on me -- for many years, I've had those dreams once or twice per week. I wake up and bolt out of bed, heart pounding, thinking I see spiders or wasps in the room. I've been checking my bed for bed bugs every night since 2009 because I've been so afraid of getting them. And then it actually happened to me.
My landlord is being a tremendous asshole about it. I have three bugs in a ziplock, so he can't deny it. But he blames me, and he won't pay for professional treatment. He claims nobody else has a problem, but I really think they are coming out of the walls.
So I have to move. I don't have any money to pay for this -- I was already behind and in debt because I don't have summer funding -- but I can't live here anymore. I'm going to throw away my bed and my couch, and then I'm putting everything I own on a truck that will be professionally fumigated for 24 hours. Moving day is August 30th.
So I've been living with this for weeks, and have one week to go. I've been sick with anxiety, can't fall asleep at night, and then even when I do, there is loud construction across the alley that wakes me up early. I think I feel them on me all the time, so I've scratched my legs up for no reason. I'm exhausted and anxious and generally a wreck.
My landlord is showing my apartment using a service, so groups of people traipse through the place without giving me any notice. They look at everything, open my closets, and I'm just sitting there in my pajamas wanting to cry. I have to cooperate while I still live here because I'm afraid of what my landlord might do to me if I interfere.
Yesterday morning, I was lying on my bed, in my pajamas, wet hair and puffy eyes -- not asleep -- when I heard keys in the lock. They didn't even knock. My landlord was there, and they were showing the apartment to a young woman about my age. She was very sweet and kept asking me how I liked it here. She loved the apartment. She told me that she's a grad student like me.
I just couldn't take it. I can't just stand here and let something horrible happen to someone else, especially someone like me who would be on her own without money, trying to get through grad school. She asked to see the back steps, and I shut the door behind us and said "don't live here. It has bed bugs. Please don't tell anyone I told you." and then we went back inside. So now I'm afraid that she told the service, which means they can't rent the apartment, which means my landlord is going to be furious. Something else to worry about.
I have hardly done any work. I don't know how to explain it to my advisors. I've been trying not to tell anyone. You're not supposed to tell people when you have bed bugs, because nobody wants to be near you. I would never invite people over or visit without taking precautions, but I don't want people to know. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed, and I also think most people don't grasp how completely it messes up your life.
I'm pretty sure the job market is not happening this year. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway -- we were never sure that I'd be ready. I don't even want to go on the job market right now. But now I have people asking me about it, and I feel like some loser slacker saying I just didn't get enough work done. Maybe it's my frayed emotional state, but lately when people ask when I'm going on the job market or graduating, I just come completely unglued. I'm nice about it on the outside, but it makes me feel terrible, makes me hate people for asking even though I know that's not fair.
On top of everything, I have the most inconvenient crush right now. I can't stop thinking about her, but the situation is all wrong. She's my friend, and I'm just trying to get a grip, but it's driving me to constant distraction when I'm already exhausted and stressed out about everything. I've had such a good run of not being in love with anyone for over a year, of being content with my life, happy to be on my own. Now I just keep thinking about this possibility all the time, and it's horrible.
So this is why I'm a mess. Right now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't done any work. I haven't eaten any real meals since Sunday. Everything is just overwhelming me, and it's hard to give a fuck about my dissertation.
Maybe blogging about it will help. Before it seemed important to not confide these things in anyone, not even my blog readers that I don't even know in real life, but now I'm not sure why I felt that way. It's possible that I just don't remember the reasons because I'm so tired.
My apartment is infested with bed bugs. I found out in mid-July. These are the bugs that live in your bed and suck your blood while you sleep. I'm already terrified of bugs. I'm the girl who still runs away from bees, and people think I'm kidding or trying to be cute, but I have this chemical fear reaction that I can't control. My most frequent nightmare is that bugs are on me -- for many years, I've had those dreams once or twice per week. I wake up and bolt out of bed, heart pounding, thinking I see spiders or wasps in the room. I've been checking my bed for bed bugs every night since 2009 because I've been so afraid of getting them. And then it actually happened to me.
My landlord is being a tremendous asshole about it. I have three bugs in a ziplock, so he can't deny it. But he blames me, and he won't pay for professional treatment. He claims nobody else has a problem, but I really think they are coming out of the walls.
So I have to move. I don't have any money to pay for this -- I was already behind and in debt because I don't have summer funding -- but I can't live here anymore. I'm going to throw away my bed and my couch, and then I'm putting everything I own on a truck that will be professionally fumigated for 24 hours. Moving day is August 30th.
So I've been living with this for weeks, and have one week to go. I've been sick with anxiety, can't fall asleep at night, and then even when I do, there is loud construction across the alley that wakes me up early. I think I feel them on me all the time, so I've scratched my legs up for no reason. I'm exhausted and anxious and generally a wreck.
My landlord is showing my apartment using a service, so groups of people traipse through the place without giving me any notice. They look at everything, open my closets, and I'm just sitting there in my pajamas wanting to cry. I have to cooperate while I still live here because I'm afraid of what my landlord might do to me if I interfere.
Yesterday morning, I was lying on my bed, in my pajamas, wet hair and puffy eyes -- not asleep -- when I heard keys in the lock. They didn't even knock. My landlord was there, and they were showing the apartment to a young woman about my age. She was very sweet and kept asking me how I liked it here. She loved the apartment. She told me that she's a grad student like me.
I just couldn't take it. I can't just stand here and let something horrible happen to someone else, especially someone like me who would be on her own without money, trying to get through grad school. She asked to see the back steps, and I shut the door behind us and said "don't live here. It has bed bugs. Please don't tell anyone I told you." and then we went back inside. So now I'm afraid that she told the service, which means they can't rent the apartment, which means my landlord is going to be furious. Something else to worry about.
I have hardly done any work. I don't know how to explain it to my advisors. I've been trying not to tell anyone. You're not supposed to tell people when you have bed bugs, because nobody wants to be near you. I would never invite people over or visit without taking precautions, but I don't want people to know. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed, and I also think most people don't grasp how completely it messes up your life.
I'm pretty sure the job market is not happening this year. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway -- we were never sure that I'd be ready. I don't even want to go on the job market right now. But now I have people asking me about it, and I feel like some loser slacker saying I just didn't get enough work done. Maybe it's my frayed emotional state, but lately when people ask when I'm going on the job market or graduating, I just come completely unglued. I'm nice about it on the outside, but it makes me feel terrible, makes me hate people for asking even though I know that's not fair.
On top of everything, I have the most inconvenient crush right now. I can't stop thinking about her, but the situation is all wrong. She's my friend, and I'm just trying to get a grip, but it's driving me to constant distraction when I'm already exhausted and stressed out about everything. I've had such a good run of not being in love with anyone for over a year, of being content with my life, happy to be on my own. Now I just keep thinking about this possibility all the time, and it's horrible.
So this is why I'm a mess. Right now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't done any work. I haven't eaten any real meals since Sunday. Everything is just overwhelming me, and it's hard to give a fuck about my dissertation.
Maybe blogging about it will help. Before it seemed important to not confide these things in anyone, not even my blog readers that I don't even know in real life, but now I'm not sure why I felt that way. It's possible that I just don't remember the reasons because I'm so tired.
11 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear about the current shityness. I've had bed bugs and it is not fun! Even last week I woke up with a few bits and washed all of the sheets and vacuumed the mattress. Thankfully, the operative word is "current" because it is temporary and will come to an end, soon.
I think I would tell the service that there are bedbugs... after you leave, if possible. I don't think it's fair for the landlord to not be forthcoming with that information. Particularly, if he doesn't plan to fix it.
I think this is an interesting sentence: "I've had a good run of not being in love with anyone for over a year..." Why would dating or falling for someone be such a problem? I don't think grad school should stop your life.
I recently lost my job and found having people ask me about it being the worst part of the situation. So, I understand where you're coming from. I've started avoiding people just to not have to give updates. I think people ask because they're just making conversation and trying to get a sense of other people's experience. I doubt that they're judging you anywhere nearly as harshly as you're judging yourself.
By PG, at 8/23/11, 8:33 PM
Thanks for sympathizing, and I'm so sorry about the bed bugs and about your job. I think the bugs are more common than anyone realizes because so many people don't talk about it.
I might report the building after I leave. I'm not sure if he could retaliate at that point -- probably not. But either way, he'll find someone to take it eventually. I can't stop that from happening.
As for the sentence about enjoying not being in love, I just meant that it's liberating to not be obsessed with anyone or in the middle of any relationship or breakup drama. When love works out it's great, but I have really enjoyed being single for a while -- and one of the reasons I've enjoyed it is that I haven't been hung up on anyone at all. I'm not against having relationships during grad school or anything. I just meant it has been nice to have an uncomplicated life for a while.
By Di Di, at 8/23/11, 8:47 PM
I'm so sorry, Di Di, that sounds like an incredibly overwhelming set of events to happen during an already stressful time. I can totally understand why it would be hard to focus on things like your dissertation with your mind and energy in so many other places. Let me know if you ever want to talk. *Hug*
By Elliot, at 8/25/11, 1:09 PM
Yuck, that sounds awful. I hope everything works out soon!
By Shedding Khawatir, at 8/25/11, 2:13 PM
Thanks Elliot and Shedding...
Elliot, I miss you! Thanks for commenting. I hope one day we're in the same city soon.
It's definitely hard to focus. Although really I should shift my focus to packing now anyway -- there's nothing I can do about these miserable weeks and what didn't get done.
By Di Di, at 8/25/11, 8:02 PM
I am so sorry to hear this DiDi. I really hope you do decide to tell the service once you have moved out and he can no longer have power over you. He is a terrible person.
I hope your new place is a more comfortable home for you, without the construction, lazy/drug using neighbors and totally shady landloard.
By Psych Post Doc, at 8/26/11, 11:49 AM
Oh DiDi this sounds awful! I hope your cat isn't chasing the bugs around? And that your new place is great for you both!
Cut yourself some slack - you're really stressed and anxious, and that's like being sick, and it's OK to NOT achieve so much. But telling yourself that doesn't help when people keep asking, I know!
Virtual hugS!
By JaneB, at 8/26/11, 12:12 PM
Remember bedbugs are far more common than people want to talk about. They are a big problem in many cities in North America. In the town where I live people always mention that after one buys some clothes from a friperie (the French-Canadian term for a second hand clothes store) one ought to take them to the dry cleaner before you take it home to kill any possible bedbugs. Do tell the service once you've moved out so that your landlord doesn't have any power over you. And as JanetB says cut yourself some slack, don't worry about your dissertation, what's next in life etc..People will ask since they don’t know what else to talk about – just ignore them, you don’t need to answer them. They’re probably not really interested and are just trying to make conversation. So, don't give them any details - you're not obliged to do so. But it’s easier said than done, I know. Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. :-)
By Anthea, at 8/26/11, 10:29 PM
Thanks everyone. It's hard to tell if my cat has been affected -- she has been scratching some, but only her face, and the same thing happened last summer (vet thinks she may have a mild allergy).
Moving starts tomorrow... I'm hoping the worst will be over soon.
By Di Di, at 8/28/11, 10:59 PM
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