July 11, 2010

Two days in a row

For the past two days, I have been followed home by different men who won't stop hitting on me. Both incidents started the same way: I sensed someone behind me and moved aside so that the person could pass. Instead, a man started walking beside me, asked my name and told me I'm pretty, and wouldn't stop when I said I wasn't interested. They kept talking and trying and asking me questions. Both men walked beside me all the way to my destination.

After this happens, I'm angry with myself for being as nice as I was. I wasn't encouraging. I said no, not interested, sorry, no. But I always wish I had said, "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone. Stop following me" over and over, and maybe refused to walk another step until he left.

In the moment, I feel helpless and thrown by the situation. I can't stop someone from walking beside me. When someone asks me questions, I feel like it's rude to say "I don't want to talk to you" even though we both know it's true. I'm used to being open and friendly with everyone, and when I need to be a rude bitch, I can't find that voice.

And well, men are good at this. They corner you and pressure you, and set you up so that you can't get away without an extreme reaction, like, "If you follow me one more second I'm calling the goddamn police." They force women to either acquiesce or hit them over the head with rejection, knowing we feel awkward and bad about it, or even scared to do it.

So in the moment I always babble stupidly in my normal voice, about how I'm not available, and I'm not interested, and I want to walk by myself... and they keep walking beside me, arguing with my reasons, telling me I have nice eyes or a nice ass.

Then I get home, and I'm angry because nobody should get to stay in my personal space, hitting on me and talking about my body. I'm angry at myself because I didn't stop it. I let someone follow me and make me uncomfortable, and in the moment I was totally helpless, and I'm angry at that stupid girl who can't stand up to men.

3 Comments:

  • (((didi))) I'm so sorry you had this experience

    By Blogger Psycgirl, at 7/12/10, 5:01 PM  

  • Thanks, and thanks for the hug... I needed one after this!

    By Blogger Di Di, at 7/13/10, 1:25 AM  

  • Aw... that sucks. I think you DID stand up for yourself, they just ignored you. I'm glad I live in a community where this rarely happens. I'm not sure I'd do any better than you have. Seems as if the next step is to get extreme, and that feels risky to me.

    By Blogger Mamabeek, at 7/18/10, 11:49 PM  

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