Doctor's appointment

Today I went to see the doctor, and she told me that my foot has finally healed enough for me to start physical therapy. I am supposed to start walking around the apartment in a shoe, and work up to taking actual walks without the cast. I should be completely out of the cast in about two weeks.

The doctor asked me if I brought a shoe to campus. Are you kidding me? This is the unluckiest thing that has ever happened to me. I'm not going to tempt fate by bringing a shoe. She said other patients have told her the same thing. I am not a superstitious person, but with something like this, you just don't fuck around with fate.

So this evening, I put a shoe on for the first time in two months. I took a step and the feeling is similar to trying to walk when your foot is asleep. You try to take a step and your leg just buckles. My muscles are very weak, and taking a full step hurts.

People keep saying "you must be so happy!!" but I'm really not. I'm relieved, but I'm still depressed about everything I've been through and everything I lost during these past two months. The hockey season is over -- I missed the entire season. I've lost all of my strength and my fitness, and I have weeks of painful, expensive rehab ahead of me. So it's not like something awesome happened to me. I'm just slowly getting back to a place where I can feel normal.

So I just feel okay. If the news had been bad, I would be devastated, so of course the news was good to hear. But I can't feel happy when I lost so much, you know? People expect that from me, but that's not how I feel. I'm a fairly upbeat, pleasant person so it's not like I'm just moaning about this to everyone... but I've become sensitive to being told how I should feel about a situation that has been so difficult for me.

My insurance will not cover most of the physical therapy, so that's a whole new crisis... but I don't even feel like writing about it right now.