March 13, 2010

8 weeks

For the past few nights, I've had the exact same nightmare: I go to the doctor, and my foot still hasn't healed. I wake up, shaky and upset.

My next appointment is on Monday. I don't know what will happen, but based on the very slow rate of healing, I doubt it will be ready to come out of the cast. I'm not expecting good news. Still, just having an appointment has made me more anxious because I'm dreading more bad news.

Even if the news is good, I've been in the cast for so long that my foot is now useless. I will have to deal with weeks of rehab before I can walk normally. I used to imagine that I could play in the last games of the winter sports season. Now, I realize that I won't be able to participate in the spring. This injury has ruined several months of my life.

My whole body feels different. I'm weak and exhausted. I've lost ten pounds. My right leg is smaller than my left, with my broken foot locked in one position. I get out of breath on the stairs. I've been off balance for weeks, uncomfortable all the time, always sore in at least a few places. Itchy and I'm not supposed to scratch.

It has become very difficult to talk about my injury, because I'm depressed and angry about it, and nobody can make me feel better. Well-meaning friends tend to invalidate my feelings by telling me it's not so bad, or they make patronizing suggestions for how I could be dealing with it better. I sympathize -- I mean, it's not fun to hear complaints about the same thing for months. Most people are terrible at empathy and just want problems to be solved so they don't have to hear about them anymore. But it makes it hard to talk to some of my friends.

The reality is that I'm not going to feel better until this is over. Yeah, there are ways of coping in the meantime but I'm already doing those things as best as I can. (Or there's a good reason why I can't.) And I already know that it could be a lot worse. That doesn't make it easy to deal with. My problem isn't that I need some perspective and some fresh air. My problem is that my foot is broken, and it sucks.


  • I'm sorry your well meaning friends aren't being that helpful. I'm sure you're beyond frustrated and totally over this foot cast - I hope that next time you see the doctor, it comes off.

    By Blogger Psycgirl, at 3/14/10, 1:07 PM  

  • Thanks for the hug. :) You're right, I am totally freaking over this. I thought I had reached my breaking point weeks ago, but it has just been endless.

    By Blogger Di Di, at 3/14/10, 3:51 PM  

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