Appropriately Stressed

Dissertation update

2011-12-26T22:09:00.002-05:00

I finished another case study on Christmas Day.

But I dated it 12/26 and e-mailed it to my advisors today so they don't think I'm a loser.

Course evaluations

2011-12-17T15:17:00.002-05:00

I finally didn't get any negative comments at all on my course evaluations. I only got four written comments, but the number ratings are good (5.5 out of 6) and three of the comments are very positive and sweet. One even said I was the best TA s/he had ever had.

Unfortunately, one the four students had to write "I don't know, I never went to section so I didn't get a clear perspective."

THANKS M______. Otherwise this would be a 100% glowing document to show people.

And, obviously that one comment doesn't mean anything about me, but it's still distracting. Oh well.

Epic screw-up

2011-12-09T01:21:00.003-05:00

I have been an extremely hardworking, responsible, and dedicated TA this quarter. I really have.

But then I screwed up the final exam... apparently, the professor intended for the exam to be open notes, open book, even though they only had two hours to work in the lecture hall. He announced this once on the first day of class, and then never talked about it again -- so everyone forgot, including me and the other TA, and we never reminded the students to bring their notes because we thought it was closed-book.

So, many of the students didn't even bring their notes to the exam. And when we realized the mistake, I had to admit that two hours before the exam, a student asked me if they could use notes, and I said no. Then the professor asked how many were told they couldn't use notes, and nearly everyone raised their hands, just because they had also been assuming it was closed book. So even though I only gave one person bad information (which was bad enough), it looked like I had told the entire class the wrong policy.

But the other TA and I absolutely should have realized it was open-notes and reminded the students, so it was my fault in a big way, and I felt horrible. Stressed-out angry students, letting down professor, logistical anxiety... just awful.

We allowed the students who hadn't brought their notes to go home and get them, and we stayed an extra hour so that all of the students would have two hours for the test. But one student said he wouldn't be able to stay late, and the only time he had before his flight tomorrow was 9 p.m.

So I had to stay at the department until 11 p.m... by the time I got home, there was no parking, and I didn't find a spot until midnight. And I have to clean the entire apartment now, because we have extermination tomorrow.

Such a bad day....

Noooooooo

2011-11-14T01:55:00.003-05:00

It's almost 1:00 in the morning. I've been grading all afternoon and evening. I have six more midterms to grade, and I just want to plow through them and go to bed.

And then...

I open an exam where whole sections have obviously been copied from the internet, so now I have to stay up dealing with plagiarism.

WHY WHY WHY.

Sigh.

2011-11-11T02:50:00.004-05:00

Today, I got to my classroom early, and so I sat down in the corner of the carpeted hallway to wait for the other class to vacate the room. I was reviewing my notes, when an older professor walked out of his office and saw me. He said, "You look like you've been bad!"

I said, icily, "I'm the instructor. I'm waiting for my classroom."

I don't know why men talk to me like this, like they're teasing a little girl. It happens to me all the time. And then I'm supposed to smile and respond like it's funny.

I'm a friendly and open person, and I like talking to strangers. I even like to make fun of myself. But I'm not your four-year-old granddaughter. I'm an adult.

He seemed to realize he had offended me, and he just walked away. But eventually he walked back over and asked me what I teach. I said, "statistics and research methods."

I actually wish I had said something even more badass, like "advanced astro-mechanical physics" or something.

Okay I confess

2011-11-08T01:13:00.003-05:00

I've been cheating on you guys with my old LiveJournal. I'm sorry.

But lately I've been consumed with personal stuff to the point where I don't have much to say about grad school, because I'm not really thinking about grad school at all. It's like how in shows about high school students, class happens in the background while the students are daydreaming, passing notes, worrying about themselves, obsessing about each other, just waiting to get back into the halls where they can talk about what is really on their minds. The past few weeks have been like that. I've kept up with teaching and made some progress on my dissertation, but I have been really distracted.

I do have some good news to report, however. Remember how my ex-landlord was withholding my security deposit? I sent him a formal letter threatening to sue, and it worked! I received the full amount today. Eight hundred dollars!! It's already spent, of course, but this is really going to help me to finish paying my debts from this summer. And from several parking tickets.

My least favorite question from students

2011-10-25T16:26:00.003-04:00

"Can you look at this and tell me if it's okay?"

In other words: Can you read my entire paper / problem set / whatever and basically grade it in advance, and then tell me exactly what I need to change to get a perfect grade? And if you give me a vague suggestion instead of telling me exactly what to write, I'll just send you revisions and ask you if they are "okay." I'll keep doing this until you either tell me the answer or relent and say it's fine. Then if I get anything less than a perfect grade, I can protest that you said it was fine.

I don't mind answering a lot of questions -- I really don't -- but they should be specific, thoughtful questions. Some of them ask so many questions that they effectively get me to tell them how to improve everything in advance, but at least they're working for it instead of just expecting me to do the work.

aksldjasl;dajsl;da

2011-10-23T20:11:00.004-04:00

You know that feeling when you're so anxious and upset that you can actually feel your stress level damaging your body? The excess cortisol production, the loss of appetite, the tight sick feeling when you can't even cry? And you know that you really need to calm down and eat something, but you can't stop freaking out and you can't focus on anything else. The past two days have been like that.

Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my apartment and working on my dissertation. All I do is lie on my couch listening to music.

Also, I have these student e-mails to answer. Extension requests, questions, someone is thinking of dropping the class. I've just been staring at them.

Last night, I babysat for my professor, and I was fine. As soon as I was there in front of him, I was able to smile and say everything is going well. I know I'll be able to teach my class and hold office hours -- I can do my job when other people are looking at me, expecting me to be normal and pleasant and fine. It's just when I'm alone that my stress takes over.

Stressssssssssssssss

2011-10-22T13:18:00.004-04:00

I'm really, really, really stressed out right now.

Entirely about personal / family / relationship stuff not grad school

But this made me smile a little bit today. Someone just found my blog using the following search on Google:
help my friends are humanities students

Updates

2011-10-11T00:47:00.007-04:00

I'm not sick anymore. So that's good. My nose hurts, but I think it's from getting hit in the face with a soccer ball recently. Let's review how my life is going.

Teaching: Challenging but awesome. I really like my students, and teaching statistics is fantastic. They actually need my help! I'm not just a roving participation grader who tries to force them to "discuss" reading that only three people even did. I'm actually teaching and explaining and answering questions, and I really enjoy it. The material is too hard for them, and the professor is drastically overestimating how much they know from their stats prerequisite -- but I'm working hard and helping them as much as I can.

Dissertation: Ugh... behind schedule. And just had to face committee at department party. I had this whole plan to finish my chapter before I saw my advisors at the party, but instead I got sick and didn't work on it for a week. The chapter is really, really, almost done but between illness and teaching it just hasn't happened. Maybe this week?

Personal Finances: appalling, because:

1) Ex-landlord still withholding $800 security deposit because he's an enormous cockwhore who thinks he can fuck over his low-income tenants. I'm going to have to sue him for it.

2) $2000 in credit card debt because I didn't get paid all summer.

3) AT&T charged me $160 to activate my internet and then deducted an additional $115 from my checking account because of a billing mistake. So, $275 of my first paycheck in three months went to AT&T.

Guess what happens when AT&T accidentally overcharges you and then makes an unauthorized deduction from your checking account? They will send you a refund check that takes six weeks to process. It's funny how when you fuck up, you owe them late fees, but when they fuck up, you get your money back six weeks later with no interest penalty whatsoever.

Thankfully, I was able to persuade them to send the money by next week after spending an hour on the phone with various departments. But it still won't be here in time for my credit card bill.

Sweet-talking customer service representatives has become a big part of my life.

4) Spending money. Okay, so I haven't made any big, stupid, impulsive purchases. But I have been purchasing six dollar smoothies, lattes, chimney cakes, and pints of ice cream because I need my vices to sustain me through trying times.

I mean, it could be so much worse. Some people cope with their horrifying bank statements by drinking until they pass out, or by doing a lot of meth, or by setting up meth labs in their apartments. My problems drive me to consume moderately priced comfort foods.

And okay, there have been a few bar tabs because on occasion, certain women will cause me to drink somewhat excessively. But I've been really good about not doing that for the past 11 days. (readers of my LiveJournal know what I mean)

Gay soccer: Lots of fun when I'm not getting hit in the face. Playing soccer really helps to take my mind off everything. Even if the rest of my week is a total disaster, having a scheduled activity makes me feel like I have a life -- the healthy, adult kind of life where I exercise and socialize without doing anything stupid. I sort of wish everyone else in my life could somehow see footage of me playing rec sports and then drinking responsibly afterwards.

Cat: She's sleeping on her side right now and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Pseudoephedrine

2011-10-06T01:19:00.005-04:00

I'm against meth and everything. I mean, believe me, the last thing I want in my building is a damn meth lab.

But pseudoephedrine is the only cold medicine that works. It's the only reason I have been able to teach my classes without stopping every 60 seconds to sneeze and cough and blow my nose.

If they ever take my pseudoephedrine away from me, I will probably jump off a bridge next time I have a head cold.

Everyone write your legislators.

Sick

2011-10-02T22:11:00.003-04:00

I have my first cold of the quarter. My throat hurts, my head is congested, my muscles ache, I feel nauseous, and I'm exhausted.

I hate that feeling when you first realize you're coming down with something nasty, and you have a whole week of work obligations ahead of you... and you just feel dread because you know you're going to be miserable for dayyysssss.

It's an unwritten rule, but I have always sensed that teaching assistants are expected to work through illness unless they're in the emergency room. I can't imagine saying to a professor, "I can't teach my sections this week because I'm sick."

So I don't even consider the possibility that I could stay home if I were really sick. I just assume that however I feel, I will work through it.

Which is why the onset of illness makes me feel so awful. I feel crappy right now, but the worst part is knowing how crappy I'm going to feel when I have to get out of bed and go to work tomorrow.

The quarter begins

2011-09-21T23:55:00.003-04:00

So, I didn't start teaching this week after all. The professor canceled sections at the last minute -- we didn't even know until he made the announcement in lecture. He said he had realized there was no point in holding sections since we hadn't covered any material yet.

I was a little bit disappointed. I had written a whole speech for my students that was meant to inspire them to come to my office hours when they don't understand the material. I will have to deliver it next week.

Instead, I spent the afternoon classroom shopping. My first section is supposed to begin immediately after lecture on Wednesdays, but the classroom they gave me was at least 15 minutes away. I don't want to waste valuable instruction time traversing the campus, so I requested a room change.

The registrar's office gave me four options. I ordered a smoothie and took a leisurely walk around campus, visiting each of the classrooms. I assessed the size and layout of each room, and when I found one that I liked, I timed the walk from the lecture hall to the room -- just five minutes. Much better.

Sure, I could have spent that time on other things, but I think the right classroom is important. If there is too much distance between the instructor and the students, it can feel like lecturing, and they don't participate as much. And if the chairs don't move, I can't order them to form circles and groups for section activities. The classroom that I chose is small with moveable chairs.

Nobody can say that I don't care about my students.

In other teaching news, we lost a TA due to under-enrollment, so now there are only two of us. I knew this would happen, because I had been watching the numbers, and all summer I was afraid that I would get booted. Thankfully, someone else got moved instead.

So I can finally let myself get excited that I'm teaching statistics. I love the material, and I'm excited about teaching methods concepts and problem solving instead of just trying to start discussion about reading that most of them didn't even do. I'm also excited about the opportunity to feel useful: My students are going to need a lot of help with R, and I think it's going to make me feel like I have an actual purpose.

And most importantly, teaching this class is an opportunity to finally put my horrible methods comprehensive exam to rest. The comments said, among other things, that I was not qualified to teach even basic statistics to undergrads. I know that I have been assigned to this class because the professor believes that I can do it, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to prove that I can be a competent statistics instructor. So I'm incredibly motivated. Even though I've been a distracted mess in general, I'm very eager to work hard on this class. Nervous, too, because I want so badly to get it right.

The end of summer

2011-09-19T00:58:00.004-04:00

The fall quarter starts on Tuesday. I will be teaching for the first time in 18 months. I still don't really believe that I will be on that schedule again, setting the alarm every night. It has been so long since I had to be anywhere.

I won't be able to ignore graduate school just because I'm going through stuff. It has been a luxury, and maybe a curse too, that I have been able to just let myself go off the rails for days and weeks at a time.

That's over now. I have to learn to feel my stress and sadness without letting my emotions overwhelm my work day. I can't just choose to spend the whole afternoon dancing, walking, working it out at the gym. I can't spend the evenings drinking wine in the bathtub. I can't stay up until 3 a.m. every night.

I've been making progress on my dissertation. Today I wrote the entire introduction to a chapter, and I think it's a pretty good introduction. I just sat here on the couch, and I put on the loud music, and I let myself feel everything that is distracting me and stressing me out, and then I forced myself to start typing. That's how it has to be from now on.

Maybe it will be good to have structure again. Sometimes when I see people in work clothes, carrying their coffee to the train, I feel jealous that they have someplace to be. I think my problems will feel different when I'm dressed up and going somewhere. I won't just be an unshowered slacker in sweat pants, avoiding my dissertation and feeling like crap. I'll be a busy statistics instructor with a distressing personal life. It's a much better image.

Crime watch

2011-09-15T14:29:00.005-04:00

I don't live on the sketchy corner, but I can see it from my window. Last night, there was a shooting. I heard several shots that were so loud, I thought they were right in front of my building.

The police came very quickly, I'll give them that. Then ambulance and fire. They put the victim on a stretcher and lifted him into the ambulance. The police stayed here for hours. I could still see blue flashing lights through my window when I finally went to bed past 3 a.m.

The shooting is most likely retaliation against the Latino gang for another shooting that occurred earlier this week. It's kind of funny/sad: Yesterday evening, a local politician organized a "community walk" to protest gang violence because of the first shooting, and then this happened seven hours later in the same neighborhood.

For some reason I felt more shaken than I usually feel about this stuff. I used to live just a block away, so I knew the neighborhood very well when I moved here, and I know to avoid that particular corner at night. I've heard gunshots before. But it was just weird to actually see it from my window.

Distraction City

2011-09-09T22:03:00.008-04:00

The main thing I have felt compelled to do this week is play music. I've been dancing in the apartment, head banging with my hands over my headphones. I have also been taking fast walks through the neighborhood with my iPod shuffle, pretending I don't hear or see the men who call out to me.

On Monday, I walked all the way home, pretty damn drunk to be honest, at two in the morning because I missed the last bus. Then on Tuesday, I had a dissertation interview, scheduled weeks ago. I pulled it together and it went fine.

When I lived closer to the university, I used to go running late at night and it felt amazing. I stopped when I moved to the city because it didn't feel safe. I would really like to start again -- maybe it would be okay.

One thing that's different is that it's getting cold here now. It's down to the 50s at night, and for the first time in months, I'm not too hot at night. I spent so many nights feeling sweaty and itchy that I forgot how it feels to really sleep when I'm comfortable.

I haven't seen any bed bugs since I've moved, but it's still early yet. 60 days is when you can feel somewhat safe. Then in 18 months, I can open the ziplock bags I brought from my old apartment.

In other news, my ex-landlord is withholding my security deposit. I have decided to fight him for it.

When my head is spinning and I can't focus for anything, the one thing I can do is my little RA job. Not my original summer job where the professor disappeared -- she still hasn't contacted me (what gives?) -- but my other job for my advisor. It's because it doesn't involve writing, so loud music doesn't slow me down. Today I actually made a lot of progress.

Tomorrow and the next day I have plans, though.

Stupid thing

2011-09-04T21:37:00.004-04:00

My computer has been repaired -- the technicians blotted up the coffee and replaced the top half -- and my internet is finally working. I'm settled, unpacked. I have everything I need... except money... but there's nothing I can do about my debts right now. It happened. The money is gone.

And I can't make myself do anything. I can't focus. I haven't done any work in about two weeks -- understandably, I think, considering the incredible amount of labor involved in the move, plus the sleep deprivation and the stress.

But now the move is finished, and I am just sitting here.

I feel very disconnected from graduate school right now. Last night, I admitted to a friend that I never really wanted to be ready for the job market this fall. While part of me felt pressure to try to be ready, another part of me really didn't want it to happen.

The truth is, I'm afraid to apply for jobs because I don't want to get a job offer that is anywhere except here. I don't want to leave. I can't move to some miserable rural hellhole where there are no gay people and I'm a freak -- but even if I got a fantastic job offer in another big, lefty city, I wouldn't want to take it. This city is my home, and I don't want to leave my community. And... I don't want to move away from her.

I can imagine my advisors' faces if I were to tell them that I'm unwilling to move. It would not be okay. It's safer to be a slacker, to be failing to get enough work done for whatever reason -- not ready to graduate because I just don't have it together.

Maybe another year will give me enough time to sort out my personal life, my feelings, and my values, and then the right thing will be clear. But I'm starting to worry that I will have to make this big decision, and I won't know what to do.

Just shoot me

2011-09-02T15:36:00.001-04:00

After waiting at home for three days, and using up all my cell phone minutes on hold with their abominable customer service, AT&T finally fixed my internet.

They got it up and running about an hour after I spilled an entire cup of coffee on my $1000 laptop and destroyed it. I'm at the Apple store now, and they're surveying the damage, but it doesn't look good. When you have undeniable liquid damage -- and we're talking visible puddles of coffee, no way to deny it -- the repair costs $750.

The good news is that since I haven't been paid in months, and I have $1500 in credit card debt from the move, another financial catastrophe barely makes a difference at this point. The penny-pound thing.

This summer has been like that story in the Bible where shitty things keep happening to that guy. Only instead of a plague of frogs and farming difficulties, my list of trials = the bed bugs, the move, financial crisis, stalled dissertation, not being ready for the job market, and internet & computer problems. I just want to put my head down and cry.

Oh god

2011-09-01T21:14:00.000-04:00

I've moved. Three days of ceaseless misery -- loading the truck in the heat, scrubbing my whole apartment just for the slim chance of security deposit, unloading up three flights of stairs in the heat… everything is in boxes. I have no food because I had to throw it all away for the fumigation. I have no money to replace it.

And worst of all, I've had NO INTERNET since Monday. There is some problem with the wiring, and the technician could not get it to work. I'm having horrid withdrawal symptoms, can't function without it… can't leave and go to Starbucks because the technicians come "between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m." so I have to sit at home all day doing nothing.

I mean I could be unpacking, but it's 90 degrees…

The new apartment is great, it's clean and cute and I think I'll be happy there once I'm actually settled.

My cat is having a really hard time, however. The new building is under construction, so there is pounding and drilling all day, and she is already incredibly stressed out from the move. She hides all day. She will come out for me in the evening, but then when I go to bed she meows mournfully -- over and over and over. My poor baby.

Okay, I need to leave this McDonalds and buy food while I still can, since I'm going to be stuck at home all day tomorrow too.

Oh memories

2011-08-25T20:52:00.004-04:00

Well, since y'all know that I'm moving, I will tell you a little bit about the packing.

I've been purging nearly all of my papers. About 50 pounds of printed readings from college and grad school. Plus old assignments, term papers, exams. I have realized that I will never become organized enough to benefit from saving any of this stuff.

I found a few interesting things:

My journal from when I was 16 years old. It's incredibly... Sapphic. It's almost entirely about my feelings for a female "friend" and the daily drama of mundane interactions with her. Reading it now, the entries just scream, gay gay gay gay gay. The journal is also very religious. Prayers, psalms, lots about God. You can really see how the inevitable conflict was imminent.

I also found a letter received by the college newspaper that I worked on, in which a grad student rants for an entire page that he is disgusted that the paper would print such deplorable filth. Truly a classic.

And, a paper I wrote in college titled, "Hopelessly Screwed: The Unfortunate State of Democracy in America." Looks like I was pretty much right about that.

Okay, I decided to tell you guys everything.

2011-08-23T15:31:00.005-04:00

I'm a mess and I just need to write about it.

My apartment is infested with bed bugs. I found out in mid-July. These are the bugs that live in your bed and suck your blood while you sleep. I'm already terrified of bugs. I'm the girl who still runs away from bees, and people think I'm kidding or trying to be cute, but I have this chemical fear reaction that I can't control. My most frequent nightmare is that bugs are on me -- for many years, I've had those dreams once or twice per week. I wake up and bolt out of bed, heart pounding, thinking I see spiders or wasps in the room. I've been checking my bed for bed bugs every night since 2009 because I've been so afraid of getting them. And then it actually happened to me.

My landlord is being a tremendous asshole about it. I have three bugs in a ziplock, so he can't deny it. But he blames me, and he won't pay for professional treatment. He claims nobody else has a problem, but I really think they are coming out of the walls.

So I have to move. I don't have any money to pay for this -- I was already behind and in debt because I don't have summer funding -- but I can't live here anymore. I'm going to throw away my bed and my couch, and then I'm putting everything I own on a truck that will be professionally fumigated for 24 hours. Moving day is August 30th.

So I've been living with this for weeks, and have one week to go. I've been sick with anxiety, can't fall asleep at night, and then even when I do, there is loud construction across the alley that wakes me up early. I think I feel them on me all the time, so I've scratched my legs up for no reason. I'm exhausted and anxious and generally a wreck.

My landlord is showing my apartment using a service, so groups of people traipse through the place without giving me any notice. They look at everything, open my closets, and I'm just sitting there in my pajamas wanting to cry. I have to cooperate while I still live here because I'm afraid of what my landlord might do to me if I interfere.

Yesterday morning, I was lying on my bed, in my pajamas, wet hair and puffy eyes -- not asleep -- when I heard keys in the lock. They didn't even knock. My landlord was there, and they were showing the apartment to a young woman about my age. She was very sweet and kept asking me how I liked it here. She loved the apartment. She told me that she's a grad student like me.

I just couldn't take it. I can't just stand here and let something horrible happen to someone else, especially someone like me who would be on her own without money, trying to get through grad school. She asked to see the back steps, and I shut the door behind us and said "don't live here. It has bed bugs. Please don't tell anyone I told you." and then we went back inside. So now I'm afraid that she told the service, which means they can't rent the apartment, which means my landlord is going to be furious. Something else to worry about.

I have hardly done any work. I don't know how to explain it to my advisors. I've been trying not to tell anyone. You're not supposed to tell people when you have bed bugs, because nobody wants to be near you. I would never invite people over or visit without taking precautions, but I don't want people to know. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed, and I also think most people don't grasp how completely it messes up your life.

I'm pretty sure the job market is not happening this year. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway -- we were never sure that I'd be ready. I don't even want to go on the job market right now. But now I have people asking me about it, and I feel like some loser slacker saying I just didn't get enough work done. Maybe it's my frayed emotional state, but lately when people ask when I'm going on the job market or graduating, I just come completely unglued. I'm nice about it on the outside, but it makes me feel terrible, makes me hate people for asking even though I know that's not fair.

On top of everything, I have the most inconvenient crush right now. I can't stop thinking about her, but the situation is all wrong. She's my friend, and I'm just trying to get a grip, but it's driving me to constant distraction when I'm already exhausted and stressed out about everything. I've had such a good run of not being in love with anyone for over a year, of being content with my life, happy to be on my own. Now I just keep thinking about this possibility all the time, and it's horrible.

So this is why I'm a mess. Right now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't done any work. I haven't eaten any real meals since Sunday. Everything is just overwhelming me, and it's hard to give a fuck about my dissertation.

Maybe blogging about it will help. Before it seemed important to not confide these things in anyone, not even my blog readers that I don't even know in real life, but now I'm not sure why I felt that way. It's possible that I just don't remember the reasons because I'm so tired.

Pick-up games

2011-08-18T23:09:00.003-04:00

I've been playing soccer twice per week. On Saturday mornings, I play gay soccer with my gay soccer team, and then we go out for drinks at gay bars even though it's absurdly early in the day. I usually drink soda, because when I get drunk in the morning, I end up lying around the apartment feeling hot and sick for the rest of the day. It's still fun -- but I can't wait for the fall league, which takes place in the afternoon.

On Thursdays, I play pick-up soccer with classmates and professors from my department. We meet at the varsity soccer field and climb over the fence. It's technically trespassing, but we could give a fuck. The field should be for everyone.

I really enjoy these little pickup games. I don't hang out with my classmates very often -- my best grad school friends are in the chemistry and anthropology departments -- but I always participate in department sports. I think this proves that I'm willing to socialize with people in my department. It just helps when there is an activity.

Today after soccer, one of my friends was planning to take public transit all the way back to the city, so I gave her a ride. She happens to be a few years behind me, in my subfield. Somehow the subject of my ex-advisor came up, and she asked why I don't work with him anymore. I thought she must have found out about the drama, so as I explained that I try not to talk about what happened, I accidentally informed her that shit went down.

I'm actually kind of stunned that she didn't know -- I really try to keep my mouth shut, but I've slipped a couple of times when I was drunk with other classmates. Maybe they actually kept their promises to not tell anyone.

I explained that I really tried not to influence her or the other incoming students in my subfield, because I didn't want to trash talk anyone or to interfere with advising relationships. I really just tried to stay away from the incoming students after it happened. They all worked with my ex-advisor, and I was the only one who didn't, and I felt isolated by the whole thing but I thought it was best for everyone.

But in that moment, I really wanted to tell her. We had been laughing and joking about the other professors in our subfield, and it reminded me of how lonely it has been to not have good friends in my subfield. The students in her cohort hang out all the time, and I know they must gossip about everyone, and I'm jealous that they have each other.

I'm the only 5th year in my subfield, and there are no 6th years or 4th years, so it was already lonely. But I might be friends with the 3rd years if it hadn't been for everything -- I mean we're friends. We like each other. But we don't hang out and talk about the department. I guess that's just how it had to be, but it's kind of a shame.

Scene from a bankrupt bookstore

2011-08-12T18:27:00.003-04:00

Today, I was browsing novels at Borders (currently 40% off) when I overheard one employee say to another:

"I still really want to make sales even though, you know... Some people might be like, what's the point? But I still want to make a sale because if you just stop caring... then that's it, you know? I still feel proud that we're ranked number one in region."

It was so sad.

The store was packed with people, and everything was on sale. You could even buy the shelves and the light fixtures. It felt like we were vultures, obviously just there for the bargains.

The DVDs and CDs are still too expensive compared to the online options, because they were so overpriced from the beginning. But the book prices are pretty good now. Even with the discount, though, I still found myself thinking, "I can check this out of the library. I can order a used copy for five bucks."

What is going on with my RA job?

2011-08-11T16:20:00.002-04:00

I'm working as a research assistant for a professor in another department. She has always treated me kindly -- if anything she worries too much about whether I'm enjoying the work, considering that she pays me -- and I like her a lot. She seemed to really like the work that I did with her during the academic year, and we agreed that I would work about 10 hours per week for her over the summer. Since she knew that I didn't have summer funding, she insisted on paying me in advance, so I have been paid for about two months of work.

But it's August and I have barely done anything, because she just stopped answering my e-mails. She was going to set up a shared drive for us so that I could access the data, and she also said that she would answer my questions about the data that she has given me so far -- she told me some vague plans for the project, but I don't know enough about what I'm looking at, or what she wants, to do anything without more guidance.

About a month ago, I e-mailed her with questions about what I should be doing, and she said she would get back to me the next day -- and then she never responded. I followed-up to suggest that we meet on campus, and she never responded. Yesterday, I e-mailed her again to touch base, but still nothing.

So I've been paid for two months of work, but I haven't done anything, and I can't seem to get in touch with this professor. I know that professors avoid grad students for months at a time, but my experience is that they do respond when you're working on their projects. Wouldn't she want me to move forward with the project? All she has to do is give me the data and the instructions, and then many hours of work will get done for her.

So what is going on? My primary theory is that she has been so distracted and busy with other things, whether it's professional obligations or vacations or family or what, that she hasn't found the time to deal with the project long enough to get me started. But I'm also worried that something else might be going on, because it has been so long since she even contacted me to apologize for not answering my questions. It has reached the point where I've been worried about her, hoping that she is okay.

I've been paid anyway, so I guess I should just wait to see what happens... but if we get to the fall quarter and she still hasn't contacted me, I'm going to owe her a lot of work, and the money will be spent.

Two random things

2011-08-03T21:46:00.003-04:00

not related to grad school or my problems.

1. My local CVS recently installed self checkout machines, and they are trying to force us to use them. When you approach the counter, a pushy woman directs you to the self-checkout area like she's directing traffic. Often, nobody is even waiting at the counter.

I have two objections to self-checkout machines: First, they replace human workers who need their cashier jobs in order to feed themselves and their families. If we allow ourselves to be herded over to them like cattle, CVS won't need to employ as many people, and that's bad for the economy.

Second, I find them cumbersome and obnoxious, especially when I'm buying a lot of items at once. The time I got pressured into using a machine, I had so many items that bagging as I scanned wasn't working -- there wasn't enough room on the sensor, and if you place an item elsewhere, the machine freaks out that you're stealing. The pushy woman encouraged me to just pile them all on top of the sensor until I had paid, and then bag them separately. Great, that's efficient.

So I'm going to refuse from now on. I was caught off guard the first time, but now I'm prepared to say very sweetly, "I would like to check out at the counter." And if the cashier looks annoyed because he got summoned to the front of the store just for me, well, I'll know that I'm actually helping to protect his job.

2. Today, I got catcalled by a guy who followed me in his car. He rolled down the window, shouted things at me like "gorgeous" and "sexy" in that degrading, leering tone. I kept walking, and he kept slowly following me, finally pulling over just ahead of me on the street.

He then shouted something like "can I talk to you for a minute??" And when I said, coldly and without looking over, "No." -- he said "whhhhhhyyyyyyyy not?!" in this whiny, upset voice like a child demanding to know why he can't have a cookie. WHYYYYYYY?

Oh, I don't know -- maybe because you're a creepy stranger following me in your car and shouting degrading things about my body. WHY DO YOU FUCKING THINK?

I just don't understand.

Here's the thing.

2011-08-02T17:30:00.004-04:00

For about 10 days, I've been dealing with a difficult personal situation that has taken up most of my time and energy. But it's not the kind of thing you tell other people, so I haven't been blogging because I can't blog about it. And I hate those vague, cryptic, emo blog posts where people are like, "Something seriously dramatic is going on! I can't tell you what it is, but OMG! If you only knew, you would feel so bad for me. Here's an incomprehensible poem that I wrote about my angst."

I hate that shit. So I just haven't been blogging at all.

But I've decided that I need to get back to living my normal life. I can't just suspend work on my dissertation forever -- eventually someone will notice -- and I need to socialize and play soccer and eat regular meals.

So here is an update about my dissertation. I'm having a hard time getting important people to take my survey. They ask me to send my questions in advance, and then I never hear from them again. So my efforts to survey 50+ important people are going horribly. I've had many wonderful, insightful interviews that have given me a lot of qualitative findings to write about, but the survey is just not happening. Six people have agreed to take it, and one of those people got angry and quit halfway through.

I'm starting to accept that I will never get enough responses, and that I should just stop trying. I have many other data sources, and my chapters aren't incomplete without the survey responses -- it would be great to have, but it's not essential. However, I don't know how to break it to my advisors because I don't want it to look like I just didn't try very hard.

In other dissertation news, some of you may recall that I have 4 committee members, and that one of those members asked repeatedly to be removed from my committee during the prospectus stage. He eventually agreed to stay on, and I decided that I just wouldn't expect anything from him. If he sent feedback and got involved, great -- but if not that would be fine too, because I only need three committee members to sign off for me to graduate.

I sent my first chapter around at the beginning of the month, and he just sent me a really nice e-mail, telling me how much he liked the chapter, praising the methods, and offering to purchase data for me. So I'm pleasantly surprised. Perhaps my work has won him over? He's an expert in the area that I study, so I'm very happy that he seems willing to communicate with me about my dissertation after all.

An evening with humanities grad students

2011-07-24T02:23:00.005-04:00

One of my friends just finished a masters program in humanities. She hosted a little house party tonight, and several of her classmates were there. I liked her classmates a lot. I knew that I would, because I double-majored in English, and I've always liked other people who study literature.

None of them have jobs. They are applying for things like retail, clerical work, whatever they can find. And they seemed pretty calm and upbeat about it. They didn't go back to school for the money. They knew their masters degrees would not lead to lucrative career opportunities, and so they aren't stressed out about the job market.

It was really refreshing to be around them, actually. They are my age, and they don't have jobs or kids or houses, and they haven't let those societal pressures affect their choices. They took out thousands of dollars in loans for a humanities degree, and now they are back where they started, but they are glad they did it.

In some ways, they remind me of me. I Just want to be happy. When I graduate, I just want to make enough money to rent a nice apartment with a dishwasher and air conditioning. I don't need a prestigious academic job, and if I can't find an academic job at all, I will just do something else. But even though I think I have a healthy detachment from the pressures of academia compared to many doctoral students, sometimes the anxiety gets to me. The financial anxiety, especially, but also the feeling that I've failed to become a real adult because I've spent my 20s in school.

So I was envying their social group a little. Most of my friends in academia have serious career ambitions, and my other friends in the city have normal professional jobs. I miss my English major friends, my fellow poetry writers, and their approach to life.

At the party, we lit candles and listened to Back to Black. Amy Winehouse was born two weeks before me in 1983. I think we have to be numb to death and suffering in the world, to some extent, or we would never stop crying long enough to function. But when you know someone's story, those defenses break down. It's incredibly sad.

Update from the center of the midwest heat wave 2011

2011-07-19T19:44:00.003-04:00

Today, the temperature outside isn't even that bad, relatively speaking. The high was around 90. But the sequential days of 90+ heat and humidity have made my top floor apartment unlivable except for the 10 square feet in front of the window AC unit.

That's where I am right now. I moved my couch so that it's right in front of the air conditioner, and I'll be stranded here for the next few days. Tomorrow, the high is 97 degrees. The next day, it's 98.

These temperatures were no big deal when I lived in the south, because I had central air conditioning, and I could drive everywhere. I only had to experience the heat during the brief walk from the front door to my car.

But in a poorly insulated, top floor, city apartment with one lousy window unit, the 90s are misery. And I can't escape without walking outside for blocks, so I'm dripping with sweat by the time I get anywhere.

I wish I were still at my parents' house, where the central air conditioning keeps me comfortable in all temperatures. I wish I made enough money to afford a better apartment here. I wish it were fall.

Sigh

2011-07-15T16:29:00.002-04:00

I think it might be time to leave a passive aggressive note for my neighbors. The note would explain the difference between the shared back steps and a garbage dumpster, and maybe it would also include a helpful little map to the dumpster behind the apartment building.

Section two of the note can cover smoke detectors. I don't know why people can't deal with these basic things.

In other news. Feedback for my first dissertation chapter has been positive so far. My readers want a few revisions, of course, but they seem to like the material and the writing.

My favorite comment is from my chair, who encouraged me to argue against his work in order to show my "independence and creativity." (My findings contradict his previous work somewhat.) He wrote that I should take swipes at him whenever I can.

I've moved on to the next chapter for the time being. My goal was to finish it by the end of July, but since that's in like two weeks... it might be a little bit later than that.

Back home

2011-07-05T23:14:00.002-04:00

So apparently U2 still exists. And the end of my 867 mile drive just happened to coincide with their concert in the middle of my city.

Driving 867 miles and then sitting in traffic is very demoralizing.

I finished my dissertation chapter on Sunday, then had to immediately pack and get ready to leave. Trip took 18 hours over two days, and I'm a wreck. My whole body hurts. My legs were giving out as I was hauling my crap up the stairs.

Apartment news:

1. The mail. If I can get the sun visor on my Honda Civic to break soon, I can get a new one for free as part of a class action settlement.

2. Neighbors. My neighbors aren't very good at dealing with problems in general. They are especially bad at dealing with the problem of a smoke detector being low on batteries. Last year when I took a trip, they let the smoke detector in the hall beep every 60 seconds for three weeks until I got back and dealt with it. Today, I came home to find the same smoke detector lying face down in front of my door, with the battery removed. O-kay.

3. Food. There is none. Will have to address situation soon, probably tomorrow.

How long are dissertation chapters supposed to be?

2011-07-02T02:29:00.002-04:00

Right now my first case study is 70 pages. I'm afraid my advisors will not want to read it because it looks so horribly long.

I'm going to try to cut it down some tomorrow, after I recover from my jagrwatch hangover. But it won't be under 60 pages.

It's super interesting, though, so I'm sure if they give it a chance they will be sucked in.

Their wives will be like "come to dinner" and they will be like "I just can't stop reading this fascinating document."

Oh god.

Sorry for not blugging much

2011-06-27T01:58:00.003-04:00

recently,
have been working day and night on dissertation chapter thing.

I have a self-imposed deadline of, well, basically right now
and I have promised myself that I will finish this chapter before I drive back to

Oh crap I'm so fried I just told y'all where I live.

Okay, I backspaced it. Everything's okay now.

Working all the time is seriously tiring.
This is why on normal days I mainly watch television.

Will update more at another time...

Dream on

2011-06-16T16:02:00.003-04:00

Two days ago, an idea for my data came to me in a dream. It was a fairly complicated idea about how to calculate something, and when I woke up I realized it was actually a good idea. I didn't realize that Sleeping Di Di had access to Awake Di Di's knowledge of quantitative methods. Usually I dream about food.

I've been working on implementing the idea, and unfortunately my little MacBook is having a hard time. It requires an enormous matrix, and my laptop doesn't have enough memory. This is one of those problems that academics won't have in the future. When we're old, we'll be doing this stuff on our phones and bitching to grad students about the olden days.

In other news, I got my TA assignment today, and it's statistics!! I am so, so happy. I have wanted to TA for statistics for years, and I'm so excited that I'm actually looking forward to the fall. It's going to be epic. My students will actually need me, so I won't feel useless. And I will be teaching something I enjoy, instead of trying to fake my way through a class in another subfield. This is seriously the best assignment ever. YAY.

A miracle has occurred.

2011-06-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, we were told that the air conditioner repair technicians could not run to the van and drive as fast as they could to our house to save us from the brutal, oppressive, totally unacceptable heat. We made an appointment for the distant future.

But then! There was an unexpected cancellation this afternoon. I don't know why anyone would cancel an appointment with the air conditioning repair people when it's 101 degrees outside, unless...

Oh shit, I hope it's not that someone died of heat stroke before they got there.

Anyway, there was an opening, and two technicians came this afternoon. I greeted them exuberantly and followed them to the unit, chattering anxiously about how I'd be happy to give them ice water or brownies or an unlimited amount of my parents' money, just please please oh please fix it.

They said pointedly that they would let me know if they found something. I retreated to the living room and watched them through the window, smiling brightly whenever they looked up.

The problem was identified. The unit was low on refrigerant, a magical substance that cools houses and unfortunately destroys the ozone layer also. They added more, turned it back on, and charged me (well, my parents) two hundred dollars.

And now my vacation (which is not really a vacation because I work on my dissertation every day. No seriously, I wrote three pages today despite the crisis) is saved.

FML

2011-06-08T22:47:00.003-04:00

One of the main reasons I decided to visit Hickville at the beginning of summer was the central air conditioning. It's difficult to work in my hot, stuffy apartment, so I was really looking forward to a few weeks of comfort. I even mentioned it in my previous post:

Life in the rural south is easy and relaxing, especially because my parents have a house with central air conditioning.

So now I'm here, and the fucking air conditioning is broken. And it's going to be 100 degrees tomorrow. That's not an exaggeration, a round number that I pulled out of my ass to make it sound bad. It's the actual forecast. And, my parents are leaving for a four-day trip tomorrow, significantly limiting their ability to deal with the situation.

P.S. I already know about opening the windows and going places.

Travel notes

2011-06-02T03:27:00.006-04:00

The Ohio Turnpike has increased the speed limit to 70 mph and it's AWESOME. As a Pittsburgh fan, I was raised to loathe Ohio -- and the 2004 presidential election only made it worse -- but today I found myself thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts about the state, like, "Maybe I should check out the Rutherford B. Hayes presidential center sometime."

Unfortunately, the new speed limit is entirely canceled out by the long stretches of construction plaguing the road. I swear, at least 15% of my 820 mile drive was spent in work zones, and the low speed limits were only justified in a few cases. Most "work zones" were stretches where one lane was blocked off with cones, perhaps for past or future resurfacing work, but there were no workers or machines in sight -- and we could have easily used the other two lanes normally without imperiling people, machines, or construction. But no, they expect us to crawl along as though it's an active work zone.

The Beltway was closed entirely at I-66 for overnight construction, and after getting stuck in a line of cars for 30 minutes, I had to follow a convoluted detour that involved getting on and off I-66 twice. It was still faster than driving anywhere near 95 in Northern Virginia during the day.

I have finally learned to time my rest stops so that I don't end up deliriously hungry in a travel plaza wasteland. ALWAYS stop before leaving Indiana, because you will be driving for over an hour before you encounter anything edible in Ohio. In Ohio, get dinner at the Panera rest stop at milepost 170, even if you're not hungry yet -- you'll thank yourself when you're driving through Pennsylvania, scanning signs for Roy Rogers and Cinnabon.

I hardly saw any cops on the road after Indiana. I suspect some combination of fuel costs and giving officers time off after the Memorial Day weekend. Or maybe there was a lot of crime today.

Don't you hate how trucks pass each other extremely slowly while everything behind them gets backed up? This is why having a separate speed limit for trucks does not work (ahem, Indiana). Also, people who pressure and tailgate when there is absolutely nowhere to fucking go, unless they expect you to veer off the road and plow past congestion on the shoulder, are just the worst, aren't they? Oh, and people who block you from merging because driving at a safe speed on the ramp was so agonizing that that they have to speed past you the second they get on the road. And LINE CUTTERS who zoom past the line of cars and then try to merge out of a tapering lane at the last possible second. Fuck those people so much.

My cat did pretty well. She fussed for the first hour of the trip, when she realized what was happening, and then settled down for about 10 hours. She piped up regularly to register her discontent, but remained calm. She freaked out a little during the Beltway mess, probably due to the noise and the machines and my voice sounding stressed. And, the last hour was ceaseless meowing, but I don't blame her because I felt the same way.

Road trip

2011-05-31T21:57:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow, I am packing up the car, putting the cat in the carrier, and driving 800 miles to the south to visit my family. Unfortunately, I can't take a break from work, because I have so much to do this month -- but it will be amazing to take a break from the city. I love it here, but life in the city can be exhausting. It's hot and humid in my poorly insulated apartment. Getting anywhere means walking several blocks, stressful city driving, or slow public transit. Everything is expensive, and it's always crowded and noisy and dirty.

Life in the rural south is easy and relaxing, especially because my parents have a house with central air conditioning. They also have stairs, which my cat really enjoys. So I'm looking forward to working on my dissertation in a comfortable, peaceful environment.

I just have to survive the 14 hour drive from hell first.

Coding marathon

2011-05-26T17:02:00.002-04:00

So after I got Windows up and running on my MacBook, I stayed up until nearly 4 a.m. fucking with my model. I found the solution to my problem at 3:45 in the morning. Finally recognizing that it was time to stop, I saved the information and went to bed.

I get so obsessive about my quantitative data. I can spend 15 hours messing with code, looking at the numbers 20 different ways, running diagnostics, comparing results, staying up way too late. The next morning, I sit down at the computer, all groggy and in my pajamas, and start trying something else.

If I were able to work like this on the rest of my project, my dissertation would be done by now. When it comes to the reading and writing parts of research, I have to set goals and force myself to do it, and I take way too many internet breaks. But with my data, I have to force myself to take self-care breaks for things like eating, bathing, and sleeping.

I think it's because working with quantitative data feels like problem solving. I need to figure out how to get my code to run correctly, how to specify the model, how to present the results. It's a challenge, a puzzle that drives me crazy, and I don't want to stop until I figure it out.

Tonight, though, I have other plans. I am going to show up at an event and try to get an important person to talk to me for my research. It's far away and late at night, and will most likely involve me sitting and waiting for a couple of hours. I would so much rather stay here in my pajamas and work with my data while I watch my cat show. It's cold, and I have painful cramps, and I don't even know if this is going to work. But it's time to start trying these tactics because e-mails haven't worked, and I'm running out of time.

Winning

2011-05-25T17:25:00.003-04:00

As you can see, I have solved my problem. After days of trying to get Windows-only statistical software to run on OS X or Linux, I have been granted access to an exclusive computing cluster at my university. This allows me to log into Windows remotely, from right here on my couch, so that I can use my fancy software without burdening my precious laptop with Bootcamp or clunky emulators.

Gah

2011-05-23T00:59:00.002-04:00

I love my MacBook. I really do.

But there are times when my life would be

SO MUCH EASIER

if I had a PC.

Using a Mac is like being queer. I know there's nothing wrong with it. The problem is that I'm a minority in a windowsnormative world.

A Memory

2011-05-17T14:55:00.002-04:00

One time, in college, I took out the trash late at night. A man followed me back to the door and squeezed my ass. I said something like, if you touch me again I'm going to hit you. He wrapped his arms around my body and tried to force himself through the door with me. I turned around, shoved him hard, and slipped through the door. He still had an arm inside, so I forced his arm out and slammed the door shut. He shook the door but it was locked -- all of the doors to the dorm were designed to lock automatically -- and then he pounded on the window as I ran up the stairs, back to my room.

At the time, I was just angry and incredulous. I never felt vulnerable because I was on a crowded campus, entering a dorm where hundreds of other students lived. I mean, what the fuck was he thinking? I don't know what he planned to do if he managed to get into the dorm, but I felt certain that nothing could happen to me there. I could just scream, right? My reaction was, what kind of idiot tries something here? I thought he might be mentally ill. I didn't call the police.

In retrospect, I should have notified the campus police. Just because he was being reckless and stupid, it doesn't mean nothing could have possibly happened to me. I don't know why someone would try to assault a student in a dorm building, where there are many other students and emergency phones. You'd think self-preservation would come first, a realization that you will not get away with this, and that there will be unhappy consequences when you inevitably get caught. But people do things that don't make sense.

As you might imagine, I'm thinking about this because of the DSK story. A lot of people don't believe an important man like him could possibly be so stupid. Assaulting someone in his own hotel room, with lots of other people in the building, and then forgetting his damn phone. Surely even if he were the type of man who sexually assaults women, he would come up with a smart, secret way to do it. You know, he'd use someone else's hotel room and wear a disguise.

DSK is innocent until proven guilty like anyone. But the hotel employee's story could absolutely be true. Men assault women where they could easily be caught, showing their own faces, in crowded buildings. I don't know why. But it happens all the time. "Why would he ever do that" is an interesting question, but it's not a defense.

I'm gonna get out of here someday

2011-05-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

When I talked to my parents last weekend, I told them that I had a dissertation interview that went very well. Today, my sister told me that my mom told her that I had a job interview that went very well. My parents will be sad when they learn that I'm not actually about to get a real job.

Lately, I really can't stand being asked "so when will you be done?" I've always hated the question, but these days it really pushes a button, to the point where I want to explode on the people who ask me. I think it's because I can sense that people feel like I have been in grad school forever, and they think it's long past time to graduate. They want me to say "I'm graduating this June, starting a great job in July" because anything else sounds absurd after "all this time." And the real answer, that I'm uncertain because I don't know how my research will go or how my first try on the job market will go, makes me sound like I don't know what I'm doing and don't have it together.

I don't feel this way when I talk to people who actually understand Ph.D. programs. I'm happy to talk with my grad student friends, or friends who have experience with grad students, about how I'm doing and when I might be done. I just hate getting questioned by people who don't understand that 5+ years is normal, and the job market is horrible, so I don't have any simple answers about my timeline or my future.

I should patiently explain what I'm doing and where I am, but I don't want to do that either because it just makes me feel anxious about everything. And because I can sense that even when I try to explain, people don't really get it. I think they suspect I'm just making excuses, because surely 5 years is long enough, and surely after getting this prestigious degree, I will be guaranteed a good job. So I give these terse, perfunctory answers and try to change the subject.

. . .

In other news, I had a good meeting with my advisor today. He seems to like the work that I have done so far, and we talked about a timeline for the next couple of months. I don't meet with my advisor very often -- months regularly go by between meetings -- but when I do, I always leave feeling better. When I'm just working on research by myself at my apartment, it's easy to feel disconnected from my program and my purpose. Meeting with my advisor is reassuring because it reminds me that the work is going somewhere, and that I am being supervised. Infrequently, but still. My committee members would tell me if I were on the wrong track, if I were wasting my time. So I leave my advisor's office feeling grounded and motivated.

I also bought three pairs of summer shoes today, at excellent (very cheap) prices. They are so, so cute. I have abnormally wide feet, and so shopping for regular shoes is painful and depressing -- nothing fits. But I can always find sandals and flip flops that don't constrict my toes. I am not going to wear socks until September, except with my gym shoes and soccer shoes.

So I was walking home with my shoes, in a great mood, until some guy leaned out of his pick-up truck and said "hey cutie blah blah blah blah I'm a douchebag." THANKS. Thanks for interrupting my shoephoria to say that to me.

Drinking with chemists

2011-05-07T02:32:00.004-04:00

Tonight I went out with my friends in the chemistry department. We met playing intramural sports a couple of years ago, and we have been going out to watch playoff hockey. Sometimes the conversation naturally turns to chemistry -- lab equipment, chemicals, materials, reactions -- and I can't follow it at all. Their experience of graduate school is completely different from mine. They work closely with professors, and with each other, and it sounds like bad ass technical science.

Talking to chemists reminds me that the graduate school experience varies widely by discipline. They are treated more like employees than students, and they spend most of their time contributing to the research that is coming out of the department, rather than thinking of paper topics and working on their own. After graduation, it's common for them to immediately start post-docs with the department so that they can continue working on chemistry research for the university.

Sometimes I wish I worked in a field with shared research goals. It's a privilege to be able to study anything I want, as long as the topic fits vaguely into the definition of my discipline. At the same time, it's easy to feel like my work doesn't really have a purpose other than being interesting to me, and perhaps helping me to get a job. I imagine that researchers who study cancer or chemicals or biology are like teammates in discovery, eager to contribute to important research goals that everyone agrees are important. When they have conferences, they don't have panels where they ponder the relevance of the field -- they talk about how to advance the goals of the field.

I'm sure that in reality, chemistry isn't as different from social science as I might think. But my occasional jealousy of my friends' collaborative work in "the lab" does make me think about the aspects of social science that are less than motivating. I love exploring my own topics and ideas, and I believe that my research questions are important -- but the way my field is set up, sometimes it's like we're all just talking to ourselves, and not contributing to the real world or helping anybody, you know? And I wish that I didn't have to start my presentations by convincing the audience that my topic is worth studying at all.

Open Letter to Survey Respondents

2011-04-28T19:28:00.011-04:00

Thank you so much for taking my survey. I know that you are busy, and I sincerely appreciate your time.

Thank you also for taking the time to provide constructive criticism of the survey in the margins of the page. I sympathize with your struggle to decide which response best describes your experience. Sometimes you feel torn between two options. Sometimes you feel that two or more options apply to you, and sometimes none of the options seems quite right. I understand that life is complicated, and that the breadth and nuance of human experience cannot be captured in a multiple choice survey.

But please, please, please, just check something. Because when you skip the options and write something like this:

       [  ] Yes
       [  ] No
It depends! It depends on my mood, on the weather, on whether I got a good night's sleep or got totally wasted the night before and then had to wake up early. You see, when I was a child, I had a bad experience with an antelope, and sometimes I still have nightmares about it. I wake up sweaty and out of breath, and for a few terrifying moments I still think I can hear him galloping before I realize it was just a dream. You should really add a box for that.

It just gets coded like this:

Yes
No
Yes
Yes
NA <---
Yes
No

Gas leak

2011-04-27T12:43:00.003-04:00

Well, there's a gas leak at the apartment. It was detected two days ago. The gas has been turned on and off in their efforts to fix it, but the pilot lights are out so I haven't been able to use my stove. Also, there has been loud drilling at all hours and sometimes the apartment smells like gas.

They haven't told us to evacuate, so I've just left my windows open. It's cold, windy, and raining, but I'd rather be cold than die from asphyxiation. My cat is enjoying the open windows and the commotion outside. She is fascinated by the workers, the equipment, the yelling -- it has been a very exciting week for her.

You don't realize how much you depend on the stove until you can't use it anymore. Even when I'm not cooking a meal, I use the stove to make tea, to make eggs, to cook a vegetable, to heat some things up. Now, I only have the microwave. It's like college. Of course, this happens when I have raging PMS, and I just want to drink gallons of hot tea and fill my stomach with warm, salty carbohydrates. A gas leak is a great excuse to order takeout, but I also don't feel like moving from my couch.

I don't know what it means when it takes more than two days to fix a gas leak. Maybe they don't know where the leak is coming from? I don't know anything about gas lines. All I know is microwave tea is subpar, and I'm ready for shit to work again. Also I'd really like to close my windows so I don't have to work in three layers plus a blanket.

Time Suck

2011-04-25T14:39:00.004-04:00

When I work on my research, one of my biggest fears is that I will spend time on something that turns out to be worthless -- like writing a section that ends up getting cut from the manuscript, or spending weeks on my data before discovering a small error that means I have to redo everything. I also worry that there are more efficient ways to do things that I just don't know about, and that I will do things manually that could have been done by the computer if I only knew how.

Some grad students work with their advisors regularly, but I have a very hands-off committee. They approved my basic plan, but I'm the one deciding what to do every day -- which tasks to prioritize, how to approach different problems, how I spend my time. And since this is my first enormous research project, I'm just guessing at what is best.

My dissertation is going pretty well, all things considered. But I have definitely wasted time in the way that I fear -- I have spent weeks on data only to discover a problem that means I have to redo everything. And I have spent time researching and writing sections that won't make the final project. I know this is just part of research, and if I weren't hitting some dead ends, it would mean I wasn't being thorough enough in my investigation of my topic. But it's so frustrating when it happens. When you realize you could have spent the past week just watching TV and the result would be the same: nothing accomplished.

My fear of wasting time has mainly been a problem when it comes to writing. I need to write drafts of chapters before all of my data are collected, because some of my data collection is long term, and I should really be giving chapters to my committee by this summer (especially because it will probably take them months to get back to me). But I am afraid if I write a lot now, before my data collection is done, I'm going to end up re-writing huge sections of the text, making the original draft a big waste of time.

My committee thinks that I've written more than I actually have, just because I've been working for so long. But almost all of my time has been spent researching, collecting data, and working with data. I know I will be able to give them one chapter by the beginning of summer, because the data collection is nearly done, and I have started writing it. But the other chapters are absolutely nowhere because I'm still working on the research, and I don't want to waste my time on a draft when I don't know where it's going.

Expectations and passive behavior

2011-04-22T15:01:00.003-04:00

Yesterday's events have me thinking about a few things, so I decided to write them down here.

First, one of the tough things about becoming an adult is figuring out how much we can reasonably expect from other people, because the standards of young adult relationships no longer apply. Sometimes I feel like everyone is letting me down. My friends don't care that I'm having a hard time, my classmates are off in their own worlds, my professors don't have time for me. When I'm feeling like this, I have to stop and consider the possibility that it's just me having unrealistic expectations. I mean, what is more likely, that everyone in my life sucks, or that I'm oversensitive and asking too much?

At the same time, I don't think I should just surrender and accept that I can't expect anything from other people unless I'm sleeping with them. I understand that many people feel they don't have time for anything besides their own careers and their immediate families, but I believe this is ultimately bad for everyone. Humans need supportive communities, and I will continue to work towards that ideal in my life. And since I'm fortunate to have several people in my life who do care about me and consistently come through for me, I know that I'm not the only person who wants reciprocal friendships and thoughtful colleagues.

And, there are times when my expectations are completely minimal and reasonable, and I have a right to be upset when people don't come through. Sometimes I am oversensitive and too demanding, but other times my reaction is completely justified, and the excuse that "I've been busy" is, honestly, crap. Nobody is too busy, for example, to send an e-mail saying that their plans have changed and they can't come after all.

This brings me to another thing I've been thinking about lately. Many people would rather avoid an uncomfortable conversation than admit that they don't want to do something, are unable to do something, or that they have a problem with something. Sometimes I feel like passive behavior is a plague on my life, and I am constantly trying to deal with people who will not be direct with me.

I have come to think of passive behavior as selfish behavior. When people are too shy to be direct, afraid to say no, and avoid conflict at all costs, they're putting their desire to not be uncomfortable ahead of the other person's need for honest communication. We owe each other direct, honest, timely communication, and it's selfish to withhold that communication because it's easier. People who are afraid to say anything that might be upsetting are not selfless martyrs who are putting other people's happiness first -- it's actually a problematic behavior that is unfair to other people.

That said, I am often afraid to upset other people and bad at confrontation. So I'm not saying that I'm always a direct, honest person. I'm as bad about this as anyone, just as guilty of passive behavior in some areas of my life. And I'm certainly sympathetic to people who have anxiety problems that make it truly excruciating to confront another person with something uncomfortable. I'm thinking about this because I want to unpack the reasons that passive behavior upsets me, and because I need to remember that I owe other people honest answers even when I'd much rather avoid the discussion.

People Suck

2011-04-21T23:41:00.002-04:00

Today is one of those days when I feel incredibly disappointed in people. I organized something for my department -- an activity that 20+ people said they wanted to do -- spending hours of my time and putting down a cash deposit. 24 people made a commitment to be there.

More than half of the people that I was expecting blew it off, and as a result, I lost my deposit. Many people told me yesterday that they couldn't make it. Some people had good reasons, and others had crappy reasons that basically told me they weren't coming because it turned out to be inconvenient. Even though they made a commitment two weeks ago.

I am asking everyone who said they would come to help me pay a fraction of the deposit. Asking for money makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and I am probably going to stammer apologetically when people give it to me. But I really believe it's the right thing to do, and if I had been one of the participants (or one of the no-shows), I'd want to give me the money.

Please talk to me

2011-04-18T15:55:00.004-04:00

My dissertation project requires me to interview a lot of important people. When I proposed the project, this seemed like a great idea. I could travel around the city and meet interesting people. I would have original data that nobody else had. Publishers would fight each other for the rights to my dissertation, which would be insightful, informative, and full of engaging little stories.

In reality, getting important people to talk to me is incredibly difficult. Most of them don't answer my e-mails at all. It's like the request never happened. I have managed to get a few interviews, but I still need to get responses from a staggering number of these people. I am asking each person a set of uniform questions, so I need a fairly large N to combine and analyze the results.

I think I need to be much more persistant and aggressive in my solicitations. I hate asking for anything, hate using the phone, hate begging people to talk to me. But it's nearly May, and I am badly behind schedule. I need to stop feeling shy and embarrassed and start relentlessly pestering people.

Phase One: A friendly e-mail from a "student" who would really appreciate a brief interview

(nothing happens)

Phase Two: A friendly follow-up e-mail, asking again

(nothing happens)

Phase Three: Call the person's staff and leave a message

(nothing happens)

Phase Four: Call the person's staff again, and break down crying on the phone, gasping through sobs that I'm 27 and I've never done anything in my life but go to school, and if I don't get this person to talk to me, my advisors won't let me graduate, and soon I'll be out of money and I won't be able to feed my poor, helpless cat.

Phase Five: ?

Not sure what to do if all that doesn't work... I could stage some sort of breakdown in front of the person's office, take off all my clothes and start screaming my questions, but that might be some sort of IRB violation.

Ethical consuming for poor people

2011-04-17T16:24:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I got my hair cut, and somehow the conversation turned to the economy. I asked my stylist how the recession has affected the salon, and she said the impact has been huge: People are now coloring their own hair and waiting longer between haircuts, or they are leaving entirely to get $10 haircuts at the discount salons. But, she said she's fortunate to have clients who understand that she depends on them to feed her family, and many clients have made an effort to stay with her even if they can't come in as often.

The conversation made me think about how consumers play a role in how the recession affects workers in some industries. The number of goods and services we can purchase is determined by our incomes, but we can make a small difference by spending our money at places that are more vulnerable in a bad economy, and by supporting individual workers with repeat business and generous tips. But when you're a poor grad student without summer funding, or poor for other reasons, it's very difficult to be an ethical consumer.

I have no patience for workers who expect consumers to compensate for the fact that their jobs are a crappy deal. For example, taxi drivers who blow up at customers when they need to travel a short distance or use a credit card. It's nice and appropriate to tip a few extra dollars when you know that workers are exploited by their employer, but that's all that consumers can be expected to do, especially when they already feel like they are overpaying for the service.

I also don't think that consumers can reasonably be expected to "support small businesses" when prices are substantially higher for the exact same products. It's hard enough to live on a very tight budget, and people need to make rational decisions that maximize their purchasing power. You can't blame poor people for shopping at Walmart. I get very irritated when liberals want low-income people to spend more out of guilt -- to support local business, or to save the environment, or for any other reason -- it's a ridiculous, elitist expectation, and it's the wrong way to solve our problems.

But, we can help just a little bit, when we can, in situations where it makes sense. Even as a poor grad student, I can shop at local businesses that have reasonable prices, especially local bakeries, sandwich shops, cafes, and takeout places. Since I eat out very rarely, I can afford to tip more than 20% without it making much of a difference in my overall budget. I also tip a couple of dollars for carry out, because many local restaurants are almost exclusively carry out, and the poor waiter hardly has any customers all night. I was also thinking, maybe this year I will make an effort to purchase most of my Christmas presents from independent businesses. But when I need something that's cheaper at Target, I'm going to buy it at Target without feeling any guilt.

Stood up (again)

2011-04-14T15:43:00.002-04:00

Today, I got stood up for another dissertation interview. I have an e-mail confirming the time and place, so it wasn't my fault -- the staff just forgot, and the person I was supposed to interview wasn't even in the building. I don't get angry when this happens, but it makes me feel sad and defeated. I wasted my whole day preparing and traveling to the meeting.

I walked sadly back to my car, all dressed up in my interview outfit with nobody to interview, when I saw a sign: it said CUPCAKES, in big pink letters. It was a neighborhood cupcake bakery. I sniffled and stepped gratefully into its open arms.

I really hope they reschedule this interview and stick to it. I probably should have expressed how much the error screwed up my day instead of just sadly asking if we could reschedule. I don't want my preparation time won't be wasted, even though I wasted a trip.

The Methods Person

2011-04-07T19:22:00.004-04:00

I have four people on my dissertation committee, each with a different area of expertise. My committee is already crowded, so I didn't have any room to add a "methods" person. This means that when I need advice on something complicated, especially something I'm coding in R (which none of my committee members use), I have to ask a professor who isn't on my committee. Since I'm afraid of two of our methodologists (for good reasons), this leaves one person, a junior faculty member who is both brilliant and kind to graduate students.

I always feel bad when I ask this professor for help because as the resident methods expert who isn't scary, he is constantly asked to help everyone else's graduate students with their methods problems. And because being a methods expert is like being a computer expert in that people are constantly asking you to solve their problems "because you're so good at this stuff" when they should be investing the time to learn for themselves.

So, I try to get as far as I can on my own, and then after working on my own for several months, I show up with my preliminary results and a long list of questions. Last week, I asked if I could come to his office hours to go over a simulation I had created for my dissertation. He told me I had done everything correctly, and then suggested several complicated next steps and a book that will help.

I purchased the book, and I'm going to do my best to read and work through it on my own. And then if I'm really, really stuck, I will ask for help again. But I'm trying to be self-sufficient at this point in my graduate career. Also, there are rumors that this professor is interviewing elsewhere (very frightening for our department) and I don't want to help the other department by making "escape from needy grad students" part of the attraction.

Apartment update

2011-04-06T14:04:00.003-04:00

About a week ago, my landlord decided he's done heating the apartment until next winter. I share his frustration that temperatures have ranged from 30 to 50° F in the past two weeks, but that doesn't mean we no longer need the heat. I've been working in many layers of clothes plus a blanket. The problem is that when I'm in a cold room, covered in blankets, it's very easy to fall asleep. Last night, after falling asleep on my couch a few times, I gave up and went to bed at 9:30 p.m.

I also have new neighbors across the hall. Overall, they seem like much better neighbors than the previous occupants, who left their violent children unsupervised for hours every day. They do have a two year old who throws tantrums, but the screaming doesn't bother me because I can't hear it from my bedroom.

The main problem with the new neighbors is that they constantly forget to take their keys with them when they go out. When they return, they buzz everyone in the building, over and over, until someone lets them in. Then they sit in the stairwell, with the restless two year old, and call the landlord (who lives 30 minutes away). Lately, they have been leaving their actual apartment unlocked, but they still use the "buzz everyone until someone lets me in" method of getting past the gate.

I'm also dealing with inconsiderate neighbors on the second floor who smoke in the stairwell because they don't want their own apartment to smell, and because it's cold outside. (Well, these days it's just as cold in the building.) I've discovered that stuffing a towel under my door keeps most of the smell out, but it's still gross and irritating. My anti-smoking activist friends want me to persuade my landlord to make the entire building smoke free, but that would never happen...

And I can't talk to my landlord about anything right now, because if he remembers that I live here, he might remember that my lease expired nearly two years ago. Every time he remembers that it's time for a new lease, he raises my rent. So I let other neighbors complain about the cold and other problems while I hide out and hope to remain inconspicuous.

Excuse me but hi

2011-03-31T22:22:00.005-04:00

I've noticed that I'm really bad at one particular networking skill: joining conversation circles at professional events. You know, when you're at a conference or a lecture or a reception, and people are mingling with each other, walking around starting up conversations and joining conversations in progress.

I am great at starting up a conversation with someone else who is standing around. But when two or more people are already talking, I end up hovering near them, waiting for them to pause... and they just keep talking while I stand there awkwardly, sometimes for several minutes. I feel too shy to interrupt in an assertive way -- and many people are happy to keep on talking as though I'm not there, even though everyone can see that someone would like to join the conversation.

I'm especially bad at joining conversations with people I don't know, since strangers are the least likely to recognize and acknowledge me. I also feel like when important men see me (a young woman) hovering, they make a quick decision that I'm not important. But it can also happen with classmates and professors in my own department. There have been times I've been blatantly ignored by people I know because they just didn't want to let me into the conversation (especially in situations when a male classmate is busy sucking up to a male professor).

I would wonder if it's impolite to ever approach a group of people who are already talking, but I see other people do it all the time. They join conversations naturally and easily, and then they leave to join other conversations. When you are trying to network with an important person, joining the circle is the only way to get his attention, since important people are never standing by themselves.

What do y'all think -- is there some technique that people use in order to politely join conversations? Or should I be more selective about the conversations that I attempt to join, and generally leave people alone when they're already talking? Am I the only person who overthinks stuff like this?

The Campus Gym

2011-03-29T00:14:00.004-04:00

The main fitness center at my campus is a great gym in many ways. The building is large and spacious with glass windows that overlook a glistening body of water. The gym has tennis courts, basketball courts, an indoor running track, and every machine you could want. Most of the equipment is relatively new, and repairs are completed quickly. They have complimentary towels. The gym employees are friendly, and roving personal trainers offer free introductory sessions. (Once I felt bad that nobody was participating in an introductory session, and I offered to be trained. She seemed disappointed that I couldn't think of any personal fitness goals, but she taught me how to use the rowing machine.)

However, for grad students, using the campus gym does come with some drawbacks. First, it's far away from the neighborhoods where most of us live, and parking is restricted until 4 p.m. It takes me 30 minutes to drive there, or an hour by public transit. This means that when I decide to go to the gym, I'm already committing 1-2 total hours to transportation alone, not to mention time spent on getting ready, my meandering little workouts, and showering when I get home.

Second, the gym is often very crowded, especially during peak times like New Years and the beginning of a new quarter, when everyone is starting their overly ambitious fitness routines. I believe campus gyms are even more vulnerable to seasonal rushes because admission is free to all students and faculty, so there is no financial downside to working out in January even if you know you're probably going to quit by February. The gym is especially crowded after 4 p.m. when parking is unrestricted, which is the only time I can reasonably go (I'm not going to spend an hour on public transit to work out). Today was the first day of the new quarter, and there were lines for fuck everything. When I arrived, I could not use any of the cardio machines because they were all occupied.

This brings me to another problem. The campus gym is not only crowded, it's crowded with your students, your former students, and even some of your professors. It's awkward enough to be sweat-drenched, with a hot red face and messy hair, in front of strangers -- but I feel even more self-conscious when my students see me panting and struggling through an interval. And when I see professors at the gym, even though they are doing the exact same thing, a little part of me wonders if they are thinking, "Oh look, it's Di Di, and she's not working on her dissertation."

The professors-and-students issue also complicates the locker room situation. I'm not one of those instructors who is obsessed with strict boundaries and formalities. But I never, ever want to see my students naked. Ever. Not even for a split second by accident. I also don't want them to see me naked. They can use my first name, friend me on Facebook when class is over. But I think clothes should be on when we see each other.

Sometimes I fantasize about joining a gym in my neighborhood, my own gym where I would never see my students. I could drive there in 5 minutes and park for free, and it wouldn't have limited hours during breaks in the academic calendar. Nobody would recognize me or talk to me or bother me... (in my fantasies, the entire gym is vacant except for me... I realize that in reality I would probably have to contend with men trying to talk to me, and there would still be crowds around New Years).

Unfortunately, real gyms cost money, and I'm already poor and facing a summer without income. Even though I know I would work out frequently at my hypothetical student-free, crowd-free, fitness paradise, it's not a justifiable expense when I have a free option. Gym memberships are the kind of luxury expense that grad students can't afford, like cable and going to the dentist. In the meantime, we just have to wait for summer, glorious summer, when the undergrads leave, parking is copious, and I can use whatever machine I want without waiting. Ahhhh.

A post about my cat

2011-03-26T01:35:00.005-04:00

Winter is tough for my cat because one of her favorite activities is watching birds out the window. She tracks the pigeons during winter, but it's not the same because she gets much more interested when the window is open, and she can smell and hear the activity through the screen. She often indicates to me that she would like me to open the windows, but it's still in the 30s and the landlord is very stingy with the heat in March, so I can't afford to let any escape.

A couple of weeks ago, she looked sluggish for a couple of days, and I worried that she was bored. I give my cat a lot of attention. I talk to her all day, play with her, pet her whenever she wants, let her sleep in my lap for hours. But I felt like it wasn't enough to keep her entertained, so I have made an effort to change her environment and activities daily.

PsycGirl mentioned that her cat gets interested in his perch when she moves it, so I have been moving my cat's perch around. When I move the perch around, she can see different parts of the apartment from an elevated position, and she can leap to and from the perch from different pieces of furniture. I have also started draping a blanket over the perch, creating a blanket fort with an enclosed tube -- she loves it. Today, she stayed in the tube for hours.

I have introduced new toys, and I dug some old favorites out from behind the couch (maybe she thinks they're new if she hasn't seen them for months?). I've also tried to play new games with her. In one new game, she sits on top of her perch, and I toss cat toys into the tube. She reaches into the hole and flings them out one by one, and then I collect the toys and we do it again. Now that I'm describing it, I realize I do most of the work in this game -- she probably feels like she's playing with me. But it seems to amuse her.

Anyway, she hasn't seemed bored in a while, so it seems to be working. But she will really be excited when it's warm enough to open the windows.

Too much tracking

2011-03-23T21:16:00.008-04:00

Am I the only person who feels self-conscious about what the timestamps on my "track changes" balloons say about my work schedule? You know, those "Di Di, 3/23/11 10:10 p.m." stamps above your comments. When you edit a document at 3 in the morning, everyone can see that you were up late working. When the timestamps cover several hours, your collaborators can see that you either spent five hours fretting over their words, or that you kept getting distracted because you were playing with your cat or watching television or reading blogs (for example). When you are doing paid editing work, and you get paid by the hour, the timestamps can differ from your reported hours (in either direction) for totally innocent reasons.

You can turn off the timestamps on the balloons, but in my version of MS Word, that setting also turns off the author name, making it useless when multiple people have added comments or changes. Or you can wait until a normal hour and then go back and adjust the changes in tiny ways (delete the period, then re-type the period) to change the time stamps. There is also this clever method that I found.

Or, you know, you can stop overthinking fuck everything and get back to work...

Collaboration

2011-03-20T14:22:00.004-04:00

Things are falling into place with the collaboration that I vaguely discussed in an earlier post. The project is still in the preliminary stage -- so far, we have looked at crosstabulations and written a proposal -- but I'm still finding it energizing to work with another person on research.

I think it's because I feel like on this project, I am collaborating as an equal. My collaborator is a professor, but she is not on my committee or even in my department, so it's not a power relationship. I'm not at her mercy like I am with the professors who decide if and when I will graduate. I will probably feel inclined to defer to her if we disagree, but for the most part, it feels like teamwork, and I'm excited about sharing ideas and writing something that will benefit from both of our contributions.

I know that collaborations can become messy, stressful nightmares. I've collaborated with faculty members multiple times, and I've had good and bad experiences. I worked on a project by myself for a year, and then it got taken over by professors who treated me like the RA: They made decisions that I disagreed with and expected me to implement them, and it was incredibly demoralizing. I've also had good experiences. I collaborated with my current advisor on a paper, and he valued my ideas and let me write some of the paper, and I'm proud of the result.

So I'm not naive and thinking that collaborations are always wonderful. But I think I've had enough crappy experiences to know when something will be good, and I'm excited about this project. I just have to make sure that I continue to prioritize my dissertation when it's tempting to devote too much time to my little side project.

Longest interview (so far)

2011-03-15T17:59:00.003-04:00

Last night, I interviewed two people who were involved in one of my dissertation cases. Instead of scheduling me for 30 minutes during the work day, they invited me over for pizza and talked to me for three hours -- until almost 11 p.m. They answered all of my questions at length, told me some great stories and showed me various materials, and they were incredibly cool and funny and kind. Field work is usually interesting, but sometimes it's just awesome.

A cautionary tale

2011-03-09T19:45:00.003-05:00

This afternoon, I was applying my makeup before an interview when I decided that my eyeliner pencil needed to be sharpened. Don't want to show up looking all trashy with thick black lines under my eyes. So I reached for my makeup pencil sharpener... and accidentally sliced off a chunk of my left index finger.

Blood gushed from the open wound. I applied pressure and about six band-aids, and rushed off to my interview. By the time I got home, all six were soaked through. I have it wrapped up pretty well now, but I can't type with the finger. And let me tell you -- you don't realize how often you type with your left index finger until you maim it in a tragic cosmetics accident.

In case you were wondering, after I bandaged the finger, I did (carefully) sharpen the eye pencil and apply classy, thin lines. I'm sure the person I interviewed noticed and appreciated that I made an effort. When he wasn't distracted by the blood.

Academic jobs and The Future

2011-03-07T13:42:00.007-05:00

Long time readers know that I have always been ambivalent about Becoming A Professor at the end of my graduate program. For years, I have responded to questions of "what will you do when you graduate" with stammering incoherence along the lines of "I will assess my options when they become options, in the distant future, which is very far away, and you can't expect me to have an answer before then."

My working decision was to prepare as though I were planning on going on the academic market so that I would at least have the option when I was ready to graduate. I co-authored a few publications, presented at conferences, chose a relatively marketable dissertation topic. When my advisors talked with me about preparing for the job market, I didn't interrupt to explain that I was actually a conflicted mess of fear and uncertainty about my future career. I nodded and took notes.

Now, I'm talking like I've decided to do it. In some ways, it's the path of least resistance, to stay on the train, to keep doing what's next. But it's also that I'm not ready to quit what I've been working on for the past five years. I want to publish some version of my dissertation as a book. I want to keep working on my question, and the only way to get paid for that is to get an academic job.

I also feel like this is my only chance to try it. It's much harder to return to academia after quitting than it is to work as a professor and then transition to a normal job. I don't want to give up this opportunity forever before I get a chance to look at the options (job offers, if any) and see how it goes. I'm not one of those people who would have an identity crisis if I decided to leave the academy. I feel confident that if I get an academic job and then regret it, I can look for something else with my sense of self-worth completely intact.

My main reservation about the academy is that while I enjoy research and teaching, I am a social person who thrives on teamwork and team goals. I spend a lot of time watching various TV dramas, the kind where the characters convene in a room and say "Oh my god, how are we going to deal with this?" -- and I feel jealous. I wish I worked with other people on a daily basis, that I had an office and coworkers, and we would solve problems together.

I also have a hard time feeling motivated to advance my own career. I enjoy my dissertation, and I'm motivated to work on the project. But I have never been a particularly ambitious person, and I have never cared about getting a prestigious job or becoming well-known and important. I don't have the same drive to build a strong resume and promote myself that I see in some of my classmates.

So there are times when I feel depressed that ultimately, the only thing I'm really working on is my own career. My dissertation will help me to get an academic job, and my future research will help me to keep it. I believe my question is important, but realistically, my work will only be read by other academics. My work probably won't solve problems or help people, and if it does, it will be in some very indirect way that I can't anticipate.

Getting paid to explore interesting questions and write papers is truly an awesome thing, and there are days when I'm so grateful that I'm here. Sometimes I'm reclining on my couch with a cup of coffee and my dissertation, with total freedom to think and learn and analyze and write, and I feel like my life is amazing. Other people have these soul-crushing corporate jobs, while I get to be independent and creative on a daily basis. When writing and data analysis are going well, I feel energized and excited about my work. I don't want to stop, don't want to sleep until I finish what I'm doing.

Other times, I'm sitting on my couch with my laptop, and I feel like I don't have a purpose, don't really have a life. This is my contribution to society, a hundred-page research paper that nobody will read except my advisors? It's 2 p.m. and I'm still in my pajamas. If I went back to bed for the rest of the day, nobody would notice or care.

I know this feeling is partly, or maybe mostly, due to the isolation of a research fellowship year. I go out with my friends, and I play team sports, but socializing can't make up for the fact that right now my only job is to sit at my computer and work alone. It's incredibly lonely, and it's not representative of what it's like to be a professor. If I get a real academic job, I will have an office, and students, and colleagues, and some of these needs would probably be met. That's another reason I feel like I should at least try being a professor before I decide that it's too isolating for me. What I'm experiencing right now is not what my whole life would be like.

So I guess I have made a decision, for now, to finish my project and apply for academic jobs and see what happens. I'll keep doing what they tell me, keep doing what's next in my six or seven year graduate program, and I'll see where I end up. I'm following my interests and a really amazing career opportunity that could turn out to be the best decision I ever made. And it's not like there are no exit options if it doesn't work out. It's not like I'm signing a lifetime commitment to never do anything else.

I Promise

2011-03-06T16:13:00.003-05:00

If / when I am a professor, I will respond to e-mails from graduate students within 48 hours, especially if it seems like the sort of e-mail that the student might be anxious about. If I don't have time to write a detailed e-mail, or I'm not sure of the answer, I will respond with an initial reaction and a promise to write more within a few days. I will not keep students in suspense for 5+ days -- not because it's unprofessional or unreasonable to delay responding, but because I've been there and I understand.

A rough day

2011-03-03T20:02:00.003-05:00

A lot happened yesterday. I talked to my advisor about The Future and he told me that he thinks I will be ready for the job market in September. He wants me to work hard on getting a rough draft of everything done by the fall. He says it's better if I don't get a summer job but instead take out loans or find some other way to live without income.

I hadn't been planning to do everything so soon, so my head was spinning from all of this. Future stress, money stress. At the same time, I was rushing to get ready for an interview with an Important Person. I had written to ask if he would be willing to be interviewed for my dissertation, and he wrote back, "Why don't you stop by my office tonight?" So I had to run home and throw an interview together in an hour,

and then when I got home I got an e-mail from my mother, letting me know that a relative had died unexpectedly. The mother of my little cousins died. I had to pull it together and write my interview questions, then I got ready fast and started running to get there in time.

The interview went well, actually. He was great, very kind and helpful, and I got everything I need.

I got home and finally let myself cry. I couldn't sleep last night. There was so much on my mind. I finally fell asleep early this morning, then woke up exhausted and with the worst cramps ever. Today has not been very productive. I tried to deal with one thing and it became a stressful mess of miscommunication. I didn't even eat til 4. I just feel so drained and sad and sore.

Now I'm just on my couch, drinking hot tea and watching American Idol... I think I'm just going to take the night off and start over tomorrow.

Checking my work

2011-03-01T16:25:00.005-05:00

I have noticed that the type of work I hate most is boring work that requires my complete concentration. Boring, mindless work is fine because I can watch Grey's Anatomy or daydream at the same time. Interesting work that requires my complete concentration is also fine, because my brain is happy to be occupied with the task.

But I loathe boring tasks that require concentration. Grading is an example of this type of work. It's not interesting to read 60 essay exams, but I can't space out while I do it. I have to think hard about all 60 exams, decide how many points to give each answer, think of helpful comments, and think of an appropriate grade while my brain desperately wants to think about something, anything else. That's why grading feels so painful and grueling to me. I'm bored and miserable, so I'm maintaining my focus through sheer willpower, and it's exhausting.

Thankfully, I'm on fellowship this year, so I don't have to grade until September. But another task that my brain strongly resists is checking my work. Proofreading a paper, double checking my data entry, reading my code for errors... all of these tasks are boring tasks that require concentration. So even though I know that checking my work is important, when it's time to actually do it, my brain is whining "nooooooo this sucks don't make meeeeeee." But when you're actively resisting your strong desire to do something more interesting, it's easier to skip over errors and make new mistakes. So I often end up checking my work two or three times, because I'm worried that I was too distracted the first time.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be checking my work right now but took a break to write this blog post... I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get it done.

Choose your own adventure

2011-02-24T14:29:00.004-05:00

Your advisor is working on a proposal to get access to a large amount of data. He has invited a number of people at your university, including professors and grad students, to submit proposals for independent research using this data. The idea is that these projects will explore different explanatory variables, but they will all be focused on the Big Dependent Variable. These mini-proposals will be included in the large proposal, and then we will all get access to the data.

You happen to be working as an RA on a project that looks at a different, but related, dependent variable. You had never thought about the professor's research question before your RA job, but you are learning a lot and getting excited about the project. When your advisor asks for proposals for this new data, you get the idea to look at the question you are studying for your RA job, perhaps using a similar model, with the new data. Your advisor loves it.

Then another professor e-mails your advisor and says that she would like to do something similar. Your advisor forwards the e-mail to you and says you should consider collaborating with this professor, but you should also feel free to pursue an independent project. At this stage, it's unclear how similar her project would be, but it sounds like the same basic topic.

Do you:

A. Suggest a collaboration with the professor from the RA job. She isn't the first person to study this particular variable, and nobody would think you were stealing her work if you excluded her. But she gave you the idea and taught you everything you know about the topic. She has also been extremely kind to you, and she has indicated that she will be generous about collaboration with you as her project moves forward.

B. Suggest a collaboration with the other professor who wants to study the same basic topic using the new data. You've never met her and don't know anything about her, except that she is an associate professor in another department. She might be a wonderful collaborator, or she might treat you like her unpaid RA.

C. Suggest that all three of you collaborate on the project. You don't know if either of them would be interested in this, but you suspect probably not.

D. Talk to the professor who wants to study the same topic, figure out a way to differentiate your project, and write a solo-authored paper that thanks RA Prof in the acknowledgements.

Twelve Cupcakes

2011-02-23T23:11:00.002-05:00

Today I was exhausted from last night's local events, from my cat waking me up at 6 a.m., from a dissertation interview that was in the morning. To be honest with you, I think I might still be hungover from Monday night, when I got slightly trashed after a traumatic floor hockey elimination. Or maybe I'm just sleep deprived.

After the interview, I found myself in the cupcake bakery near campus. But instead of buying two or three cupcakes like usual, I asked how much it would be for twelve of them. Twenty-three dollars. I paused for a long time, gazing at the cupcakes. "Okay, I'll take twelve."

I took the cupcakes to my department and passed them out to the staff. I didn't explain why I had twelve cupcakes, because there was no explanation. I just said, "Do you want a cupcake? You can have one. Here."

At the bus stop, an undergrad noticed the box and asked me if they were from the bakery near campus. I said, "Yeah, do you want one? Here." She was thrilled -- she said it made her day. We got on the bus. I wanted to give one to the driver, but people were pushing to get on, and I just kept walking. I brought the rest of the cupcakes home.

I have no summer funding, and I am supposed to be saving money. I am supposed to spend as little as possible every day. I was not supposed to spend twenty-three dollars on cupcakes. But when I get tired, that voice in my head just quits. I squint at the bright, beautiful cupcakes, and there's no resistance. I just say okay. I'll take twelve.

I'm going to sleep tonight, and then tomorrow I will make better decisions. I won't be tempted to buy cupcakes, because I'll just be here at home. Plus I already have some in my kitchen.

I know it's stupid

2011-02-22T02:15:00.004-05:00

It's this stupid, little, meaningless thing, and there are real problems in the world, earthquakes and revolutions and labor disputes. But I'm so sad that my intramural floor hockey team got eliminated tonight. We lost 3-4 and we got eliminated in the first round of playoffs. I know we weren't going to win the championship or anything, but I really thought we could win one round, and I am so sad that it's already over.

Weekend

2011-02-19T13:12:00.002-05:00

My advisor doesn't answer work e-mails over weekends, and sometimes the weekend means Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I respect this completely. In fact, I admire his ability to set boundaries between work and life, and I hope that one day I can be awesome like that. So I don't mind at all. Truly.

Except that sometimes we start corresponding about something important on Wednesday or Thursday, and I send an e-mail on Thursday afternoon that I'm anxious about . . . and then I'm worried about his response for four days, which is an eternity when you're nervous.

I pounce on every e-mail alert even though it's Saturday, and I know it's just another e-mail in the chain of ride coordination for the party tonight. I consider sending follow up e-mails like "What I meant was..." and "I completely understand if..." and "I'll do whatever you think is best..." but manage to stop myself every time. Just need to wait, just a couple more days, then I can figure all of this out.

***

This morning, when I woke up all groggy and sat down at my desk, I found a scribbled index card sitting on top of my laptop. And then I remembered getting up in the middle of the night with an idea about how to solve a problem with my data. Instead of letting myself turn on the computer and try it out, I wrote myself a little note and then went back to bed.

This is a good way to deal with data-related revelations when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Unfortunately it doesn't work for writing. I know because I have tried before -- just write down the idea -- and then my brain gets even more excited about writing the rest of the paper. But when the idea is about numbers, my brain is happy to go back to sleep.

***

I almost never donate to charity, because I'm poor, which I think is a very legitimate reason to not give money. But I do support this one local organization that provides free testing and treatment to people with HIV. Today, they e-mailed everyone to say that their database was hacked by homophobes or something, and our information was compromised, donors are getting nasty e-mails. Awesome. At least I never gave Gawker my damn credit card information. This will teach me to try to be helpful.

Venturing out in the Civic

2011-02-17T23:23:00.004-05:00

Tonight, I drove to a field work event for the first time since the Blizzard of 2011. The event was in a distant corner of the city, and it would have taken a couple of hours to get there by bus, so driving was really the only option.

I almost got into two car accidents: First, someone turned left when I had the right of way. It wasn't at a light or stop sign or anything. I was just driving along when someone turned in front of my car, and I had to slam the breaks. The second time, someone ran a red light. In both incidents, I reacted in time because I am an extremely defensive driver, meaning that I have learned to assume that everyone is about to cut me off or run the light.

Picture a wide-eyed southern girl, seat pulled up close to the steering wheel, clutching 10 and 2 with white knuckles, talking to out loud to herself, and to all of the other cars. "Oh my god that was reckless... no fucking turn signal... what street is this... oh crap change lanes change lanes... Jesus Christ, what are you doing?"

That's me driving in the city.

But then, on the way back from the event, while stuck in gridlock at 9 p.m. for no apparent reason (sigh) I realized that I would pass by the Trader Joe's on the way back. And it doesn't close until 10!

I hadn't been to the Trader Joe's in ages because it's relatively far away and requires driving. So when I finally get there, I'm out of control. I want to grab everything, as a voice in my head shouts "I'LL NEVER COOK AGAIN! MUWAHAHAHA!"

I have been really, really good about cooking lately. Using my slow cooker, working through the Indian cookbook I got for Christmas. I've been eating food made from scratch for days. But I love having the option of not cooking, especially when I've been away for hours and I'm just getting home at 10 p.m. That's why Trader Joe's is amazing.

Now I feel like this blog post is a product placement, and maybe I should delete all the references and replace them with "A Certain Grocery Store That Sells Vaguely Organic Pre-Packaged Food Items That Aren't Gross."

But, you know, whatever.

And now I'm eating a salad that cost four-something dollars, with a goblet of fresh carrot juice and yet another piece of Valentine's Day cake... no cooking or preparation whatsoever... ahhhhhh.

Dissertation insomnia

2011-02-16T15:14:00.003-05:00

My sleep schedule hasn't been this fucked since I was a teenager. I've been going to these field work events in the evening that go until around 9 p.m. Then I have up to a 90 minute ride back on public transportation, and when I get home I'm starving from missing dinner and wired from the event. So I spend a couple of hours making a very late dinner and thinking through everything, looking up information, writing down my ideas...

Until around 1 a.m. when I decide that I absolutely must go to bed. Unfortunately, 1 a.m. is also when my thoughts about the event are coming together, and I really really really want to write the section.

Last night, I forced myself to go to bed, but then I just lay there until past 3 a.m. writing the section in my mind. Having an internal dialogue that goes something like this.

"Okay, Di Di, it's time to sleep now. Think about something relaxing."
(I think about how I'm going to word a particular paragraph)
"Stop... stop... you can write the section tomorrow... think about something else..."
(I think about how I'm going to organize the section)
"God damn it, stop thinking about your dissertation and go to sleep."
(I stay awake)

Then I finally fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. only to have a dream that my cat was in danger, causing me to jump out of bed to run and check on her. After finally getting back to sleep, I woke up around noon, and my first thought was, "I can write the section now!"

The problem is writing gets me really worked up. After a good rant, I want to jog around the block. Even academic writing causes me to fidget constantly. I play my favorite gay clubbing songs (today Pyromania is on heavy rotation), and I can't stop moving while I work.

I have a hard time sleeping after I write anything, and even when I ban myself from writing, I end up thinking about what I'm going to say which is just as bad -- or worse, because it's not even productive.

I know that sleeping from 4 a.m. til noon is absurd. It's bad for productivity, bad for my body. I spend every afternoon panicking, feeling like I'm behind, because it's "already x pm." and I'm just starting my work. Then it's time to get ready for another event in the evening, and I end up making up for lost time by working when I get back.

Real adults don't live like this. Most graduate students don't even live like this. I keep telling myself I'm going to work my way back to normality, and it keeps not happening.

Fortunately, these events will mostly be over in one week, so maybe then I can start setting my alarm. I can screw myself up on my own, but the field work really isn't helping.

Oh cats

2011-02-14T14:43:00.004-05:00

I don't know how she did it, but my cat managed to spill the contents of her litter box all over the floor at seven-something in the morning. I woke up to the crashing sound, and emerged from the bedroom to find the litter box standing up on its side while my cat ran wildly around the apartment, meowing.

My guess is that she was chasing something real or imaginary and somehow ended up crashing down on one side of the box, so that her weight plus the impact was enough to flip it over.

I'm going to buy more litter today, to try to weight the box down more. Just in case she thought it was fun and tries to replicate whatever happened.

Because it was a pretty terrible way to wake up.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T22:18:00.002-05:00

This year, I decided to celebrate Valentine's Day by purchasing a heart-shaped chocolate raspberry cake that is all for me. When I saw the cake in the window at Whole Foods, I fantasized about taking it home and eating an enormous piece on my couch, in my pajamas, with my cat at my side, in a glorious indulgence of everything that is great about being single.

As it turns out, the cake is so rich that even though it's delicious, I can only eat one small piece at a time. So instead of devouring the cake in a couple of evenings, I will be eating a small piece with every meal for the rest of the week. Still a pretty good way to celebrate the holiday.

There are times when I feel ambivalent about my personal life (mostly when other people are giving me crap about it), but ultimately, if being in a relationship were important to me I would be in one. My daily choices add up to my life of total independence because that's what I value right now. I don't want to have to call someone every day. I don't want to plan my week around someone else's schedule. I want to do whatever I want all the time.

I probably won't feel this way forever. I could change my mind tomorrow, or years from now. But I'm glad that over this past year, I have stayed true to what I wanted. I have confidently made choices that were best for me, and I have ignored people who tried to make me feel bad about it.

So here's to all my single girls (and guys) who aren't at home crying because nobody sent them flowers. If you're happy with your choices, then I'm happy for you. Eat something delicious for me.

RA job update

2011-02-08T00:09:00.004-05:00

So far, my little RA job is going well. The professor has been kind and appreciative, and I'm enjoying the work. I have been an RA many times, and I have learned how to be a good one. After 4+ years of grad school, I know how to do most research-related tasks, so I don't need anyone to hold my hand and answer countless questions. I know when to take initiative and make decisions, and when to ask for clarification and guidance. I'm also good at anticipating what will be most helpful and making suggestions. So I feel confident that I can do good work.

I have also found that, strangely, having a research job is motivating me to focus on my own work. It's nice to take a break from my own endless project and focus on someone else's research. When the stress and weight of My Dissertation is removed, I remember how much I really enjoy doing research. But since I'm only supposed to be working five RA hours per week, I can't let it take over my week and use it as an excuse to avoid my dissertation. Instead, I refocus my energy on my own project after the nice feeling of accomplishing an RA research task and sending it off.

It's also cool to work for a young, female, junior faculty member. I haven't worked with any female professors in graduate school, and I didn't think that it mattered. My committee members respect me and support me, and that's the important thing. But it's strangely energizing to work with someone like me who is designing and implementing a research project. Maybe on some unconscious level, being a young woman in a male-dominated discipline affected me more than I realized?

Anyway, I've only been working on the project for a few weeks, but I'm glad that it's a positive experience so far. And the extra money will really help me. It won't be enough to pay for summer, but the extra money will give me some flexibility when I have to get another job. Because of this income, I might be able to wait an extra month or find something part time.

Asshole Car Owners Ruin the Snowpocalypse for Everyone

2011-02-04T12:59:00.005-05:00

I. Shoveling Snow Back Into the Street

Today, I was having a pleasant morning, sipping my coffee and reading my e-mail, when I heard screaming out front. My cat and I went over to the window to investigate, and we saw this. Two asshole drivers, parked next to each other, were shoveling out their cars and dumping all of the snow into the street.

The yelling started when a woman saw them and told them to fucking stop it. They would not. They are still doing it, messing up one of the only streets in this neighborhood that was plowed clean, because they can't be bothered to carry the snow to the area between the street and the sidewalk like everyone else. I imagine they had a conversation that went something like this:

"Holy shit! The city plowed the snow right into our cars!"
"Those bastards! They fucking inconvenienced us!"
"Let's show them by putting it all back into the street!"
"Yeah! That will teach them to plow public roads!"

Yesterday, I went back to my car and saw that, as I expected, the plow had come through and left a wall of snow against the side of my car. I shoveled it out, one load at a time, with my little emergency car shovel -- by myself -- in about 90 minutes. I put all of the snow in a pile off the road, and then I even shoveled some of the road around my car. It was cold and difficult, but that's life when you own a car in the city. And these big strong men can't be bothered to do the same thing? Unbelievable.

The pile is bigger now, since they have been shoveling for about 30 minutes since I took the photos. It's certainly enough snow to mess up my little car. I hope the police drive by and give them tickets for asshole behavior. There has to be some ordinance that applies.

II. Dibs

Until I saw the douchebag shovelers, I thought the worst winter parking offense was a practice called "dibs." After people shovel out their cars, they put furniture in the space to indicate "I shoveled this space! So I get to reserve it all day while I'm at work, because god forbid I should have to shovel a different space when I get home. God fucking forbid. Oh, and if you park here I will key your car."

Calling "dibs" means that the driver is simultaneously claiming a parking space at work and a parking space at home, making two spots unavailable in a city that already doesn't have enough street parking for the number of drivers that need to park. It also means nobody can drive to our neighborhood and park there temporarily, because all of the spaces are either taken, covered in piles of snow, or "reserved" with lawn chairs.

Defenders of dibs talk about how it's a "city tradition" but tradition does not excuse selfish asshole behavior. Public streets are PUBLIC FUCKING STREETS. Shoveling out your car does not entitle you to claim ownership of a public space for the rest of winter.

I can see how it feels unfair to spend an hour shoveling, and then find your space taken when you get back. But it's not a grave injustice -- it's what happens when you park on a public street. You have a duty to remove the snow around your car for the entire public, not just for you. It's the only way we're going to get 20 inches of snow off the roads.

III. Conclusion

So many neighbors have been lovely to each other during this blizzard. A stranger helped me to shovel out my car, and I helped a stranded driver to shovel around her car when she was stuck on an unplowed side street. All over the neighborhood, you can see people helping each other out, shoveling sidewalks that aren't theirs, offering assistance to strangers. But some douchey entitled people have to ruin it for everyone. Those people suck.

Blizzard of 2011

2011-02-02T20:13:00.005-05:00

I ventured out with my little shovel today, figuring I should make a dent in the mountain of snow surrounding my car before it became solid ice. Several men offered to help me. I said yes to the first one who didn't act like he wanted sex or money. That's how I met James, a neighbor who has lived here since he was a kid. He told me his memories of the blizzard of 1999 and the blizzard of 1967. We agreed that blizzards were a lot more fun when we were kids.

All over the street, neighbors were helping each other shovel and push their cars. I live on an arterial road, which had a clean path down the center by this evening. But the side streets are a disaster, with snow up to my knees. Only large trucks with big snow tires can get through.

Last night, I saw thundersnow for the first time. It's snow with thunder and lightning. And it was windy all night. I didn't have to go anywhere, though. I was supposed to do field work yesterday and today, but the events were canceled, so I'm just staying at home on my couch. I have a big pot of butternut squash soup, and I made Indian curry chicken. Lots of hot chocolate and tea. I could stay snowed in for days.

To the cloud!

2011-01-28T22:52:00.003-05:00

I had one of those mornings when nothing went right. Spilled my coffee and just missed the train kind of morning. Then, while I was stuck behind the grossest PDA ever on the next train, I realized I left the consent form at home. And I was on my way to do a dissertation interview that had taken weeks to schedule.

I had evil thoughts like "Maybe I can just do verbal consent. Who would find out?" And unprofessional thoughts like "Maybe I can beg the guy's secretary to let me use their office printer..."

And then I remembered there is a copy/print/fax shop downtown, located right next to the train station where I had to transfer to another line. I have been doing so much fieldwork downtown that I'm starting to memorize the retail scene. I ran in and said "I forgot a document! Can I print something off my e-mail? In like five minutes?"

Yes! You can! An employee even rushed over to the computer for me, adopting my urgency even though it was not her problem that I needed something at the last minute. I printed the document for about two dollars, ran to the train platform and caught the next westbound train in about five minutes. I arrived at the interview 10 minutes early, which was good because I had time to address the coffee spill in the restroom before I walked in.

I don't know what people did in the past, when you couldn't run into a store, access your document in the cloud, and print it out. If you forgot a document, you just didn't have it. I would not have done well in those times.

Race and fieldwork: On not blending in

2011-01-27T14:52:00.005-05:00

For my dissertation research, I need to observe public community meetings in my city. Usually, I just sit inconspicuously in the audience and quietly take notes. But I am finding that it's impossible to be inconspicuous when I travel to communities that have very few white people.

On Tuesday, I attended a meeting in a majority-black community, held at a black church. I was the only white person there, and even though I was dressed casually and not holding my notebook, I was immediately surrounded by officials and organizers who thought I was from the press. I said "No, I'm not with the media," and they asked, a little suspiciously, "Do you live here?"

"Um... no..."

I explained that I was a student, there to observe the event for a research project. Fortunately, when they heard "student" everyone responded very positively. They welcomed me and promised to help me however they could. One of the members gave me a little motivational speech about how I should keep following my dreams. Another gave me her home, office, and cell phone number so that I could call her with any questions I had for my project. They gave me candy, a membership form to join their group, and a ride back to the train station when the event was over. All night, people introduced themselves, asked if I was a journalist, and then encouraged me to join the group.

I felt overwhelmed and very thankful that they were so kind to me. They could have easily been annoyed that a white person from a different neighborhood showed up to watch them, but they were effusively welcoming. Researchers hope to blend in when they observe events, but getting warm offers of help and access is definitely not a bad thing.

Tonight, I went to a public meeting in a different majority-black neighborhood. When I arrived, they asked if I was a city official. "Oh no, I'm just here to watch." Are you from the media or something? "No, I'm not from the media." They seemed content with this answer, and then I walked in and sat with the other audience members.

I felt like I was lying just a little -- but I'm really not a journalist, so I told the truth. And if any of my observations make it into my dissertation, no identifiable details will be used. Also, it was a public meeting, and I saw a real journalist, so it's not like I was observing something meant to be private. But when people tried to figure out why I was there, I implied that I was a resident when I wasn't, so that made me feel dishonest. I just didn't want to go into it.

At both of these meetings, I walked in with many other people who were simply invited to sign in -- so it's not like they were asking everyone if they were from the Tribune. They only asked me. So apparently, I don't blend in very well in black neighborhoods. I knew I would be a minority in these communities, but it's not like these neighborhoods have zero white people. I could conceivably be a resident, so I thought I could just sit in the back and nobody would notice me. But apparently everyone notices me -- and I don't look like I live there.

Avoiding my department

2011-01-21T12:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I ran into a professor I hadn't seen for a while. Not one that I work with, but one who would be good to have on my side. She mentioned that she hadn't seen me around the department much lately.

Without thinking, I said brightly, "I'm on fellowship now, so I don't have to come in unless I want to!"

I had the sense not to finish with "and it turns out I almost never want to." And then I rambled about being very busy with field work to make up for it... but it still felt like a really dumb thing to say.

This year, I have been mostly absent from lectures, department parties, job talks. This is mostly because the lectures haven't been relevant, the job talks aren't in my field, and I don't feel like going to the parties... but also because I feel like I should protect my research time.

I already have a hard time making myself sit down and work for an entire day. If I go to campus for anything, I spend up to two hours getting ready and traveling there by bus, then there's the event itself, the ride home, and the decompress time. Which means I don't do any work for the entire afternoon. When I had an office, I could spend the day working on campus, taking a break for the talk. But now that I don't have anywhere to work in my department, I have to turn around and go home when the event is over, making it a very inefficient use of my time.

So the "con" for attending most events is 1) I don't want to go, 2) It's a hassle to get to campus, 3) I won't do any work for hours. While the "pro" is 1) it looks good to show up for that stuff. Con wins almost every time. Occasionally I actually want to go to a talk, and then I do show up -- but in a department with four subfields, the majority of talks are not related to my area at all.

I know that faculty members are expected to show up for everything, but I get the sense that grad students get more of a pass, especially advanced students on dissertation work. Most students in my program travel to distant locations during 5th year, and 6th+ years just avoid the department, so there are almost never advanced students at this stuff. I certainly don't feel like my advisors hold my lack of attendance against me, especially since they know I'm doing field work now.

But other professors might hold it against me, and that could be bad. Also, when you disappear, people forget about you, and you are even less likely to be offered things like summer opportunities.

Still, on any given day, the rational choice seems to be "stay home and work." I have the rest of my life to be obligated to attend every damn thing... right?

Yinzer Solidarity

2011-01-13T21:31:00.007-05:00

I finally took my computer to a repair technician today. I explained that the fan has been buzzing and grinding, and I've also been having a "jumping cursor" problem where typing certain keys causes the mouse to click.

The technician noticed my Penguins lanyard. Turns out, we're both originally from Pittsburgh. So we talked about the city, the sports teams, Pittsburgh tattoos we have seen.

Then he told me that he would replace the casing, the keyboard, and the battery all for free, even though my laptop is long out of warranty. He also said that he would check out the fan and see what might be causing the noise.

I waited anxiously on the bench, giddy and thrilled that my cursor problem repairs would be free, but worried about what else he might find when he opened the laptop.

Finally, he came back, and I asked, "What did you find?"

"Lots and lots of cat hair."

My cat likes to sit on my keyboard, and apparently her shedding got into the vent and clogged the fan. The technician cleaned it out and ordered a new fan, also for free. When the part arrives, I just have to take my computer back so that they can install the new fan.

I laughed practically the whole way home, I was so relieved that the repairs were free and so amused that the problem turned out to be car hair.

Of course when I told her, she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.

I get a little job

2011-01-10T21:16:00.005-05:00

A few months ago, I was trying to figure out how to deal with some complicated data for my dissertation, and I contacted a professor in another department who works with the same data. She was very nice and gave me some good advice. At the meeting, she mentioned that she would be looking for an RA in the future, and that I might be a good person to ask since I was already working with this data. I told her that I was very interested, but didn't hear anything else for a couple of months.

Today, she e-mailed me to ask if I would be interested in working 5 hours per week for several months, earing $16 per hour on a project that sounds very cool. It's not something that relates to my academic work, but it's something that I read about all the time. She also told me there is a possibility of co-author credit on future publications.

This is the perfect opportunity for my situation. I know I need to start saving for summer, but I don't want to get a time-consuming job in January because I need to spend these next few months on my dissertation. Working five hours per week will allow me to start saving money while still spending most of my time on my dissertation. Then, if I don't have a teaching job lined up by around April, I can start applying for random jobs.

I still need to figure out something lucrative before summer, but this will definitely help. And it all came from reaching out to someone I didn't know and asking a few questions. I had no idea I was making a connection that would help me for months.

Library fines

2011-01-09T14:17:00.005-05:00

After driving for two days, I finally got back to my city last night. The drive was long and horrible, especially since I had to take a long detour to avoid cities that were getting dumped with up to two feet of snow.

I woke up this morning to a $240 bill from my university library, for four books that are overdue. The bill will drop to $40 when I return the books ($200 is replacement fees) but I will still have to pay $40.

I need all four books for my dissertation, and I took them with me to my parents' house, thinking I could renew them online. But when it was time to renew them, the website refused -- because I had renewed them the maximum number of times, which is twice. And the renewal periods are short, about a month.

Obviously it's my fault for not keeping track of when I checked these books out (I thought I had more time but didn't write anything down). And I could have mailed the books back -- (I considered this but thought I would make it there faster). But the library's policies really do not work for graduate students. We need books for an extended period of time because of projects that last years, like our dissertations. And we travel for research, or because we are on research fellowship and not required to be at the university.

If they are going to force us to bring these books back to campus after short periods, they should at least have this information on the website. Meaning, when I log in and see the books I have checked out, I should be able to see some information that tells me when I won't be able to renew the books again. Right now, there is no way to know until you try to renew the books and get "not renewed" spat back at you. If you're not near the university when this happens, you're screwed.

Faculty members get to check books out indefinitely, or until they are recalled, but grad students have the same short loan periods that the undergrads have -- it's a tremendous inconvenience and has cost me a lot of money.

Oh dear god no please no

2011-01-05T16:59:00.006-05:00

There is nothing that makes grad students weep with fear and dread like the first signs of a serious computer malfunction.

My computer has started to make a loud grinding noise, and to emit the smell of burning computer parts.

Which means:

1) Financial crisis. I have no savings and already spent January's money on last month's credit card bills.

2) Academic crisis. One or more weeks without a computer, which will make it incredibly difficult to work and function.

3) Emotional crisis. I'm completely dependent on my computer and freak out when I don't have it.

My sister keeps lecturing me about how I "really need to get that fixed" and "waiting will just make it worse." I know that! And in an ideal world, I would drive over to the repair shop and turn over the computer at the first sign of trouble. But when you have no money and no back-up computer, it's not that simple.

But whatever happens, this is BAD BAD BAD.

Hey. . .

2011-01-04T00:58:00.002-05:00

Who changed the name of my index variable to "cxadsdas" ?

Any ideas?

On needing dissertation alone time

2011-01-01T19:09:00.009-05:00

My sister and I are visiting my parents over the holiday break. We are both in graduate school (she's getting her MA in music), so we both brought work home with us.

Lately, we have been fighting because she wants to hang out in my bedroom while I'm working on my dissertation. This is partly because after I left home, my parents put a nice couch and an HD television in the room -- but also because she's bored, and she wants the company.

I have a hard time working when other people are in the room. Even if they are sitting quietly, I feel self-conscious and distracted, and it's harder for me to focus. I have a private, introverted side, and I can't get completely absorbed in my work when I know that I'm being watched.

It's not like I'm a freak who won't hang out with others. I love to talk and socialize, and sometimes I even enjoy working with others around -- mostly when I'm doing something tedious. But when I really need to focus, I work best when I'm alone. And right now I'm working on a dataset that is like a very complicated, multi-level puzzle.

Today, we had an absurd fight where she asked if she could work on her homework in my bedroom. I said no, but she came in anyway and refused to leave, protesting "I'm not DOING ANYTHING. You're just being a bitch." I said she was distracting me, and she argued that I couldn't possibly be distracted by her working quietly.

Finally, I played music she hates (Ke$ha) until she left my room. It was like we were five.

I feel bad that she's bored, and that she thinks I'm being catty for no reason. I don't want to fight. I just want to work during the day, and hang out during the evenings… but people who aren't introverted academics just don't understand.

This problem will be solved when I drive back to my city, but it's not just an issue with my sister. In my last relationship, my ex always wanted us to work together, and took "I want to work by myself" to be some kind of insult, that I was just avoiding her. So this is something that keeps coming up.

What do you think, fellow academics? I'm sure I'm not the only person who prefers working alone. But at some point, do we have to learn how to work with others in the room, in order to be good family members (whether we're living with siblings, or partners, or friends, or kids?) Or is it reasonable to demand solitary research time?

Oh crap it's New Years

2010-12-31T11:56:00.007-05:00

I should be making some resolutions!

Exercise will not be a problem, since I will be playing gay soccer, gay floor hockey, and university intramural floor hockey. Even if I never go to the gym, that's more than enough exercise, especially considering that it's winter.

That leaves "keep the apartment clean" and "eat less sugar" on the traditional list of shit I never actually do.

"Spend less money" seems like an obvious resolution, considering my summer funding situation. And considering that I just bought Christmas presents for my immediate family and eleven relatives. But I legitimately need most of the things I buy. My biggest discretionary expense is probably cupcakes from the cupcake van, but I consider those purchases essential for my mental health.

"Spend more time on my dissertation" is another obvious goal. But that's sort of an ongoing resolution. For the new year, though, I should also resolve to "Organize and document my dissertation progress" which is far more important than I had realized.

See, over the break, I decided to go through everything I've done so far to map out my progress and goals in various areas... and I realized that I have forgotten what I have done already to various datasets. I can't remember which versions are the "correct" versions. I forget which step I was on when I took a break from quantitative data to start interviewing.

At the time, I was certain that I would remember everything I've done, what the variable names mean, the difference between "data version 3" and "data version 4" -- but I don't. I have managed to piece most of it back together, but I really need to start organizing and documenting.

Which is actually a pretty good resolution, and one I might actually keep since it doesn't involve eating fewer cupcakes.

So it's decided.

Resolution:
In 2011, I will write shit down.

Kitty's 4th Christmas

2010-12-26T01:42:00.003-05:00

My cat loves Christmas morning. She runs around sniffing all of the presents, and then she plays with the wrapping paper as we open gifts. One of her goals in life is to find and consume ribbon, so we hardly use any on the packages... but she still manages to sniff out the one bow and the one piece of ribbon in the room.

My cat always gets presents of her own. This year I bought her a fuzzy stuffed spider full of catnip and new toys to dangle from her perch. She seems to understand that the presents are for her. I call her over and open the presents while she sits on my lap, sniffing and pawing the packages. Then we play with the toys, and she runs around, diving in and out of piles of wrapping paper.

It's like having a little kid who runs around high on Christmas excitement, but unlike an actual kid, my cat is happy with about eight dollars worth of presents.

Sober up blogging

2010-12-19T04:46:00.004-05:00

My rec soccer season ended today. We had a party with free drinks and pizza. It was sad, but not too sad because we're all signing up for the new season in January. It's an awesome group, and I'm happy that we get to keep playing together and drinking together after the holidays. I wish it hadn't taken me four years to figure out that gay soccer is 100x more fun than regular soccer.

We stayed at the bar for four hours after the game, then I went home to change and went out gay clubbing with one of my soccer friends and a group of his friends. They were nice and it was fun, but one of his lesbian friends indicated to the group that she would like to date me, and then they all spent the night trying to talk me into it. She seemed like a cool person, even a great person, but not my type. And I just wasn't in a place where I wanted to hook up or date or anything. I just wanted to dance and maybe make friends. So it was awkward.

I don't handle being hit on very well. I feel bad, and I always worry that I am giving "mixed signals" or that even my appearance and personality constitute mixed signals. Like maybe when you wear makeup and a cute outfit and go out to clubs and smile, people think you want to be hit on when really you just like dressing up and hanging out? I don't know.

I'm driving to my parents' house for the holidays soon. Maybe on Monday, if tomorrow I can drag my hungover ass out of bed in time to do the three errands I have to accomplish before I can leave.

Okay I think I've consumed as much water as I can hold so it's time for bed.

Ethical question

2010-12-14T16:05:00.004-05:00

Let's say you are a poor graduate student desperately applying to every adjunct pool in area because you have no summer funding.

And you notice that a local for-profit college is hiring instructors in your field. One of those very expensive, thinly accredited colleges that deceive students about the job market and encourage them to take out massive loans for a degree that will be viewed with suspicion because it came from one of "those places." When you type in the name of the college on google, the first suggestion is "[name] college scam."

So even though I feel confident that my students would benefit from taking my class at any college, I am hesitant to contribute to a predatory institution that takes money from poor, disadvantaged students who would be better off at community college.

That said, I need summer funding badly, and I'm in no position to be picky. I wouldn't feel good about stripping either, but it might come to that.

So, all things considered, would it be unethical to apply to teach at this school?

Even though the chances that I would get this particular job are low, I need to think about this question because another obvious last resort option is teaching online classes. Many credible, nonprofit schools offer online classes, but it seems like there are more job opportunities with for-profit schools.

SOL

2010-12-10T19:24:00.007-05:00

My funding runs out in June, and I was hoping to teach a summer class to support myself over the summer. I've been nervous about summer money forever, but I've been waiting to pester the department about it because I didn't want to ask too early and have my request get lost.

Then I found out today that they already filled all of the spots. Apparently you had to apply in the fall (!), but of course nobody sent out this information. Opportunities were quietly directed to favored students as usual. So I'm facing an income of $0 with no opportunity to teach.

So, um,

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I suppose this is one of those valuable lessons about how "you have to be early!" but the way things run around here, it was unfathomable to me that they would already be working on a schedule for summer. I was planning to be early and persistent, but I had no idea that "early" meant the fall.

I'm so nervous about how I'm going to pay my bills while I finish my dissertation... and I'm angry because I've been worried about this forever, but suddenly I'm "too late" when I had no idea what was going on.

Thanksgiving update

2010-11-27T01:33:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving is going pretty well. Last time we hosted all of the relatives at my parents' house, there was a big fight about Israel that divided the men and upset the women. But this year, everyone who came was united by a common enemy: the referees who officiated the most recent Steelers game. There was no awkward moment that couldn't be alleviated by some variation of "Hey I know, why don't we fine the Steelers for being the Steelers!"

The outcome of the Pitt / West Virginia game was a disappointment to most in attendance, but then we rallied and complained about the new TSA regulations for most of Friday night dinner. Everyone agreed with everyone, and all was well. So it has been a pretty good holiday.

Holiday

2010-11-25T13:28:00.003-05:00

The thing that's hard about holidays is everything else shuts down, because everyone else is with their families too. So my favorite blogs aren't updated, my friends aren't online or on their phones, and I won't get any department or dissertation e-mails.

And I keep checking my phone because when my parents are stressed out and ordering me around, or when relatives are asking why I'm still single and still in school, it helps to check in with my regular interests, activities, and friends. To remind myself that I'm 27, and I have a life where I am generally treated like a competent, independent adult.

But all the blogs just say Happy Thanksgiving, and I don't have any e-mails or urgent work assignments, and hardly anyone is on twitter... fortunately some Canadians are still covering hockey.

Travel rant

2010-11-24T14:35:00.005-05:00

I had to fly yesterday, for the holiday. It sucked. This is a travel rant -- feel free to ignore if you find those boring.

After lots of agonizing about whether I should choose the scanner or the groping, I didn't get selected for additional screening. In fact, the security checkpoint I went through didn't even have the scanners, and almost nobody got pulled aside for any sort of extra screening.

So security was just fine. Everything else was terrible.

Okay, so first, the flight was full, and everybody had two large carry-on bags, because nobody wants to pay $50 to check their bags. Delta wasn't offering gate checking (when they give you a pink tag and put your bags on a cart), so everybody was expected to use the overhead bins.

With a long line of people still waiting to board, word reached the front of the plane that there was no more room in the overhead bins. Then we were delayed for about 45 minutes, while people had to push their way to the front of the plane so that they could check their bags at the last minute. Everyone waiting in line was forced to check their bags, and we were told they would be sent to our final destination.

But since the baggage clusterfuck delayed our plane considerably, I guarantee that some of those checked bags didn't make the connecting flights in Atlanta. And when that happens, you have to wait for your bag to be delivered at 2 a.m. or even the next day, which is miserable when the bag contained your pajamas, your toothbrush, everything you need for the night. This has happened to me before, so I was worried and angry. Resenting the people who had boarded first and crammed their shit in the bins. Some of them probably didn't even have connections to worry about.

Then I sat down, and realized that I was sitting in front of two loud, obnoxious, bratty children, right out of Supernanny, only there was no Supernanny to save us. They kicked my seat, whined, complained, and asked their mother endless questions, all at top volume. I don't believe in mommy-shaming, so I sat there quietly, but the woman next to me kept saying things like "Some people just don't know how to parent!" or even "Shut up!" loud enough that they could hear.

Fortunately I made my connecting flight, and so did my bag (probably because that flight was delayed too). But I didn't have time to eat dinner because of the first delay, so I was starving and cranky and upset about my luggage... and once again, seated near screaming children.

So, here's the thing, Delta. Was this your first day of operations? Or even your first Thanksgiving? Because everyone acted like it was an unfortunate fucking surprise that the overhead bins did not have room for everyone's carry-on luggage, leading to mass confusion and a lengthy delay.

Why couldn't they gate-check the remaining bags, which would allow people to take them to their connecting flights? And if only some people get to keep their luggage with them, shouldn't it be the people who have connections (not the people who were first in line)? And maybe Delta should have considered these problems before they decided that checking one bag on a round trip should cost an extra $50.

In conclusion, I call upon our nation's leaders to make bag fees illegal, because they suck. And delays suck. And losing your bag sucks. And I know we can't do anything about the screaming children, but more cookies would ease the pain.

Stood Up

2010-11-23T00:23:00.003-05:00

I got stood up today. I was supposed to interview a very cool individual for my dissertation, but something came up and she forgot about the meeting. I spent the morning getting ready, then I took the train downtown (an hour), waited 90 minutes, and then walked back to the train in a thunderstorm. My umbrella was useless in the wind, and I got drenched. My pants, and my suede shoes, and my socks were soaked through and sopping the whole way home. So it was a bad day.

My interviewee was very apologetic, and I am not mad. I tend to be infinitely forgiving about this type of mistake because I know what it's like to forget things. People get angry and disappointed, and they accuse you of not caring, of being thoughtless and irresponsible. And you know that you screwed up, but the thing is... when you forget something, you don't know that you are screwing up at the time. You think you are going about your day in an entirely appropriate way, until you learn that you failed to do something important, and the horror washes over you as you realize that everyone will be furious. And now they think you're a careless person when you really, really didn't mean to be.

So I understand about forgetting, and I try not to overreact when people do it to me. It was a mistake, and I consider it fixed with a simple apology. I truly mean it when I say that it's okay. I believe the world would be a better place if we all gave each other a break sometimes.

And the silver lining is that in my experience, people who forget about me, or show up very late, or cancel at the last minute, are extra helpful when we finally do have a meeting. (This has happened, as you can imagine, with many professors over the years.) You get to be a forgiving, gracious person, which feels good. And you get extra help, which is great.

So I'm truly not mad that my day was so terrible... but I'm glad that it's over, and I'm home in my warm pajamas with cupcakes and tea.

No.

2010-11-18T23:24:00.009-05:00

Today, grad students in my department received an e-mail titled "job opportunity." A professor is moving to a new office, and she wants to pay a grad student $15 per hour to move her books and alphabetize them. I need money badly, but this is something I will not do.

I know it's a common request. Other professors at my department have paid grad students to move their books. Professors who have "research assistants" often expect their RAs to help with moving for free. So this happens, and I'm sure that the grad students who accept perceive it as a mutually beneficial arrangement. Everyone involved is happy. The grad student makes extra money, and the professor doesn't have to lift heavy objects (or pay $25 per hour for a real moving service).

So I realize that there is nothing wrong with asking, and that this stuff pushes a button with me because of previous experiences. But to me it's like, "I don't want to carry my own stuff, so I'm going to exploit grad student poverty and use them as a cheap moving service." And it reminds me of the pervasive attitude that all unpleasant work should be done by grad students, as though we are meant to be cheap labor first, before we are scholars or even students.

A couple of years ago I actually heard professors discussing book moving. One professor was complaining that the department staff wasn't helping her move into her office, and the other professor said something like, "Oh, grad students should be doing that!" Then they turned the corner and saw me glaring at them.

If my advisor or another professor that I liked was moving to a new office, I would be happy to carry some books for free, just like I help my friends move to new apartments for free. Helping with moving is something nice that people do for each other, but it should be a favor. I will never move a professor's books for money.

Fuck yes I will RSVP to your party

2010-11-17T14:09:00.005-05:00

One of my friends from gay soccer just e-mailed us. He is having a party, with cake, to celebrate the anniversary of adopting his cat, and we're all invited. It's like everything I love -- soccer, gays, cats, drinking, cake -- combined in one event.

You know how sometimes you meet people and it's like "You are the friends I've been looking for! Where have you been for the past four years?"

That's how I feel about my soccer team. I've played soccer for years, but this is the first time I feel like I'm making awesome friends. They are soccer friends, but also drinking friends, clubbing friends, and cat owner friends.

Meeting people is easy, but meeting friends who are perfect for you is just random luck. Joining clubs and trying activities increases the probability that you will find people that you really click with -- but it doesn't guarantee that it will happen.

It took me years of effort to reach this place where I have an awesome social life outside of grad school. Now, I have friends for everything -- lunch friends, drinking friends, academic friends, gay friends, soccer friends, local band groupie friends, clubbing friends. I have friends in my department, but my social life doesn't depend on them anymore. I actually have a life.

And in one or two years, I'm expected to drop everything and move to whatever distant university will hire me. But let's not think about that right now.

Document dump

2010-11-16T21:21:00.003-05:00

Today was a great day for research. Specifically, it was a great day for my research.

I have been trying to obtain certain documents from my informants, but it has been difficult. Some people consider the documents proprietary, and others don't want to spend time finding them and sending them to me.

But today I interviewed an extremely nice person who talked to me for 90 minutes, patiently answering all of my questions. When I asked about documents at the end, like I always do, he turned to his computer and said, "let me see what I can find." He opened the folder marked Thing That Di Di is Studying and said, "I'll just print all of this out for you."

Then, after he printed the contents of the folder, he gave me THREE BINDERS full of documents that were sitting on his shelves.

Best. Interview. Ever. !!

More apartment news

2010-11-12T00:58:00.005-05:00

The neighbors across the hall have moved out. They lived here for years, a mother and two daughters. The mother was nice, but she had to leave the daughters unsupervised while she worked, and they fought a lot, screaming

"I wish you'd never been born!"
"No, I wish you'd never been born!"

They only had one key between them, and whoever came home first would refuse to open the door. Then the locked out sister would hold down the buzzer and pound on the door, sometimes for an hour.

There was also some drama this week when they came back after moving most of their stuff. The landlord showed up with workers, planning to improve the apartment, and found the family still there. The police were called, and then lawyers, and they fought about whether the landlord could kick them out. Neither side had paperwork, which didn't surprise me. (My lease expired in July.)

But now they are gone for good. I will probably never see them again. I guess it's kind of a relief. I heard all sorts of drama and personal business, but they know embarrassing stuff about me too. They heard me talk to my cat, at length, every day. They know how much television I watch, my incredibly uncool taste in music. They've seen me come back in the morning, still dressed up from the night before. Or coming back from McDonalds at 3 p.m. in my pajamas with smeared makeup and messy hair, running into them on the stairs. Not that any of that happens

very often, but you know how it is. Neighbors know your shit, and it's kind of awkward.

So we'll see who moves in. I hope it's someone quiet who doesn't smoke. Also I hope it's not another drug dealer. Really the best thing would be for the apartment to remain vacant for a long time, so let's hope for that.

City Driving Illustrated (cyclist edition)

2010-11-07T00:53:00.011-04:00

I have illustrated another one of my city driving peeves in Paint. I call this one "Cyclists Who Wear Dark Clothes and Ride on Dark Streets with One Tiny Reflector."

Here is what it looks like from a car:

I have never hit a cyclist, so obviously I have seen them all in time -- but often it's just barely in time, and it's scary. Most city streets have lights because it's the city, but there are still some roads that are dark, and a tiny little reflector is not enough.

Cars are required to have four bright lights, plus working turn signal lights. If cyclists get to ride on the same roads, and everyone else is responsible for their safety, I think it's only reasonable to require bikes to use lights.

Stay tuned for my next illustration, Would It Kill You To Use Your Motherfucking Turn Signal

Hurrah!

2010-11-06T01:53:00.007-04:00

After a month of cold days and freezing cold nights, it's a very special day here in the apartment building.

About fucking time!

City Drivers Are Assholes (an illustration)

2010-11-05T00:57:00.011-04:00

Tonight while I was watching television, I decided to illustrate my biggest city driving peeve in Paint. About half way through I realized this was probably taking more time than it was worth... but the alternative was getting back to work, so here we are.

Okay, our story begins at an ordinary intersection somewhere in the city. The peach-colored rectangles represent parked cars, which line the side of the street until just before the intersection, where parking is prohibited. The pink rectangles represent moving cars. It's rush hour, so the street is congested, and traffic is moving slowly.
The light turns red:
Then, someone decides to pull into the space just ahead of the parked cars, a space traditionally reserved for turning right since you can't go straight through the intersection without immediately running into more parked cars.
But he isn't turning right. He's just sitting there, waiting for the light to change.
The light turns green, and he slams the gas, speeding to get ahead of the car that is entering the intersection (forcing the other driver to hit the breaks in order to avoid a collision).
Hurrah, the blue car has moved ahead in line! And now he's stuck in the exact same traffic.
City drivers are aggressive and reckless in all sorts of ways, but this particular move makes me hate people so much. First because it's dangerous. If the other car doesn't realize what is about to happen, it can lead to a collision in the intersection. Second, because drivers always pull this shit when the road is congested and everyone has to drive slowly. There is absolutely nowhere to go, but they are still swerving and tailgating and acting like YOU are the one blocking them from an open road where they could go as fast as they wanted. Then they use the douche move to pass in the intersection, and they are immediately stuck going slow once again, because it's rush hour and traffic is crawling. . . but at least they moved ahead two cars!

When I first moved here, I used to be shocked and scared by this move -- I'd have to slam the breaks to avoid an accident. Now I can tell when someone is planning to hit the gas and pass me in the intersection. And I always let them, but it's so irritating that I'm always tempted to hit the gas myself and deny them entry into my lane. But so far, I'd rather let a douchebag cut in line than get into a car accident. So I just end up ranting to nobody (and now to y'all) about how city drivers SUCK.