tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328038452024-03-07T03:57:51.048-05:00Appropriately StressedDi Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.comBlogger250125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-11193199064501697712012-07-04T15:09:00.000-04:002012-07-04T15:09:04.528-04:00The not-vacation vacationI have been visiting my family for the past two weeks. It has been a nice visit, but I feel like I fell into that trap where I really needed a vacation, but I had convinced myself that I was going to be productive -- so I ended up not doing very much work, but also feeling stressed and guilty the whole time because I was "supposed to be" working. I spent a lot of time sitting here with my dissertation open while mindlessly reloading twitter.<br />
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I feel like this is a common problem for academics, since we're often working without structure. Sometimes you just need to decide "I'm not doing anything for two weeks." That's what I should have done. I had just had a really terrible month, and I needed to recharge. But since one of my committee members scolded me for being "slow" last month, I felt like I couldn't take a break at all.<br />
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Now I don't have much to show for these two weeks, and I didn't recharge -- but I can't take a real vacation now, because I'm behind from all of my procrastinating... not to mention the months I wasted on personal problems before my trip.<br />
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Sometimes I really, really want the kind of job that ends at 5.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com75tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-57802800125297055562012-05-26T17:59:00.001-04:002012-05-26T18:01:14.791-04:00Still not graduatingMy sixth year of grad school is almost over. To be honest, it was a very rough year, mostly because of personal problems. I'm finally free of an unhealthy relationship, but getting over the heartbreak has been hard. I really allowed my progress to get derailed -- again -- by distractions that consumed far too much of my time and energy.
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Now, I'm scrambling to finish the last case study for my dissertation, and then I need to spend the summer wrapping up the project and preparing for the job market.
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Miraculously, I have funding next year. Seventh years don't normally get any work at my university, but one of my committee members offered me a research assistantship. My university actually rejected the appointment at first, because they are becoming very strict about not allowing 7th years to have any financial support whatsoever. So, a few days after getting offered the assistantship, I was informed that I couldn't be hired after all. I was crushed. I e-mailed everyone that I could think of to appeal, but nobody would even respond to my e-mails. But then, a few days later, my professor got them to reverse the decision.
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I don't know why my university thinks it's helpful to deny 7th years any sort of funding whatsoever. I can understand cutting off TA funding that comes from the university (even though I don't agree), but this assistantship is funded by my professor's grant money. They just don't want 7th years to have work at all, probably to pressure us to graduate. But only two members of my cohort are graduating this year, so it's not unusual to graduate in 7+ years. Starving us out is cruel and unhelpful.
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I hadn't been counting on getting any funding next year, though, so I'm quite lucky to have the assistantship. I'm going to need to take out loans for summer, for health insurance, and to pay off some debt -- but it could be so much worse. Many of my classmates will probably be waitressing and going into much more debt.
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I'm determined that this year will be my last, whether I find an academic job or not. My dissertation is so close to being finished that if I can't wrap it up in a year, it will mean that I got hit by a truck or something.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-90725661691281581122012-03-11T11:57:00.003-04:002012-03-11T12:00:42.436-04:00I get e-mailsMy students are working on their take-home, open-book exam this weekend. I've encouraged them to ask questions.<br /><br />But so far, nearly all of the questions are answered in the instructions. For example:<br /><br />Where do we turn in the exam?<br />How do we cite sources?<br />Are we allowed to cite lecture?<br />How long should the essay be?<br /><br />When I teach my own classes, I think I will include some sort of bonus in the instructions to reward the three people who actually read them. It would be like leaving a $20 in a hotel Bible.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-31414008639192347902011-12-26T22:09:00.002-05:002011-12-26T22:15:03.485-05:00Dissertation updateI finished another case study on Christmas Day.<br /><br />But I dated it 12/26 and e-mailed it to my advisors today so they don't think I'm a loser.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com111tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-14415400221535991802011-12-17T15:17:00.002-05:002011-12-17T15:30:03.324-05:00Course evaluationsI finally didn't get any negative comments at all on my course evaluations. I only got four written comments, but the number ratings are good (5.5 out of 6) and three of the comments are very positive and sweet. One even said I was the best TA s/he had ever had.<br /><br />Unfortunately, one the four students had to write "I don't know, I never went to section so I didn't get a clear perspective."<br /><br />THANKS M______. Otherwise this would be a 100% glowing document to show people.<br /><br />And, obviously that one comment doesn't mean anything about me, but it's still distracting. Oh well.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-51213000188373258892011-12-09T01:21:00.003-05:002011-12-09T01:32:00.158-05:00Epic screw-upI have been an extremely hardworking, responsible, and dedicated TA this quarter. I really have.<br /><br />But then I screwed up the final exam... apparently, the professor intended for the exam to be open notes, open book, even though they only had two hours to work in the lecture hall. He announced this once on the first day of class, and then never talked about it again -- so everyone forgot, including me and the other TA, and we never reminded the students to bring their notes because we thought it was closed-book.<br /><br />So, many of the students didn't even bring their notes to the exam. And when we realized the mistake, I had to admit that two hours before the exam, a student asked me if they could use notes, and I said no. Then the professor asked how many were told they couldn't use notes, and nearly everyone raised their hands, just because they had also been assuming it was closed book. So even though I only gave one person bad information (which was bad enough), it looked like I had told the entire class the wrong policy.<br /><br />But the other TA and I absolutely should have realized it was open-notes and reminded the students, so it was my fault in a big way, and I felt horrible. Stressed-out angry students, letting down professor, logistical anxiety... just awful.<br /><br />We allowed the students who hadn't brought their notes to go home and get them, and we stayed an extra hour so that all of the students would have two hours for the test. But one student said he wouldn't be able to stay late, and the only time he had before his flight tomorrow was 9 p.m.<br /><br />So I had to stay at the department until 11 p.m... by the time I got home, there was no parking, and I didn't find a spot until midnight. And I have to clean the entire apartment now, because we have extermination tomorrow. <br /><br />Such a bad day....Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-88909056721803749532011-11-14T01:55:00.003-05:002011-11-14T01:57:15.597-05:00NooooooooIt's almost 1:00 in the morning. I've been grading all afternoon and evening. I have six more midterms to grade, and I just want to plow through them and go to bed.<br /><br />And then...<br /><br />I open an exam where whole sections have obviously been copied from the internet, so now I have to stay up dealing with plagiarism.<br /><br />WHY WHY WHY.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-84537449317432968552011-11-11T02:50:00.004-05:002011-11-11T03:11:39.569-05:00Sigh.Today, I got to my classroom early, and so I sat down in the corner of the carpeted hallway to wait for the other class to vacate the room. I was reviewing my notes, when an older professor walked out of his office and saw me. He said, "You look like you've been bad!"<br /><br />I said, icily, "I'm the instructor. I'm waiting for my classroom."<br /><br />I don't know why men talk to me like this, like they're teasing a little girl. It happens to me all the time. And then I'm supposed to smile and respond like it's funny.<br /><br />I'm a friendly and open person, and I like talking to strangers. I even like to make fun of myself. But I'm not your four-year-old granddaughter. I'm an adult. <br /><br />He seemed to realize he had offended me, and he just walked away. But eventually he walked back over and asked me what I teach. I said, "statistics and research methods." <br /><br />I actually wish I had said something even more badass, like "advanced astro-mechanical physics" or something.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-83820154280964145182011-11-08T01:13:00.003-05:002011-11-08T01:30:59.760-05:00Okay I confessI've been cheating on you guys with my old LiveJournal. I'm sorry.<br /><br />But lately I've been consumed with personal stuff to the point where I don't have much to say about grad school, because I'm not really thinking about grad school at all. It's like how in shows about high school students, class happens in the background while the students are daydreaming, passing notes, worrying about themselves, obsessing about each other, just waiting to get back into the halls where they can talk about what is really on their minds. The past few weeks have been like that. I've kept up with teaching and made some progress on my dissertation, but I have been really distracted.<br /><br />I do have some good news to report, however. Remember how my ex-landlord was withholding my security deposit? I sent him a formal letter threatening to sue, and it worked! I received the full amount today. Eight hundred dollars!! It's already spent, of course, but this is really going to help me to finish paying my debts from this summer. And from several parking tickets.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-67137197916351490742011-10-25T16:26:00.003-04:002011-10-25T16:45:31.758-04:00My least favorite question from students"Can you look at this and tell me if it's okay?"<br /><br />In other words: Can you read my entire paper / problem set / whatever and basically grade it in advance, and then tell me exactly what I need to change to get a perfect grade? And if you give me a vague suggestion instead of telling me exactly what to write, I'll just send you revisions and ask you if they are "okay." I'll keep doing this until you either tell me the answer or relent and say it's fine. Then if I get anything less than a perfect grade, I can protest that you said it was fine.<br /><br />I don't mind answering a lot of questions -- I really don't -- but they should be specific, thoughtful questions. Some of them ask so many questions that they effectively get me to tell them how to improve everything in advance, but at least they're working for it instead of just expecting me to do the work.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-28421231496945362852011-10-23T20:11:00.004-04:002011-10-24T11:36:21.447-04:00aksldjasl;dajsl;daYou know that feeling when you're so anxious and upset that you can actually feel your stress level damaging your body? The excess cortisol production, the loss of appetite, the tight sick feeling when you can't even cry? And you know that you really need to calm down and eat something, but you can't stop freaking out and you can't focus on anything else. The past two days have been like that.<br /><br />Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my apartment and working on my dissertation. All I do is lie on my couch listening to music.<br /><br />Also, I have these student e-mails to answer. Extension requests, questions, someone is thinking of dropping the class. I've just been staring at them.<br /><br />Last night, I babysat for my professor, and I was fine. As soon as I was there in front of him, I was able to smile and say everything is going well. I know I'll be able to teach my class and hold office hours -- I can do my job when other people are looking at me, expecting me to be normal and pleasant and fine. It's just when I'm alone that my stress takes over.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-20083288033557693972011-10-22T13:18:00.004-04:002011-10-22T13:22:35.052-04:00StressssssssssssssssI'm really, really, really stressed out right now.<br /><br />Entirely about personal / family / relationship stuff not grad school<br /><br />But this made me smile a little bit today. Someone just found my blog using the following search on Google:<br />help my friends are humanities studentsDi Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-57451687451811612972011-10-11T00:47:00.007-04:002011-10-11T02:02:21.156-04:00UpdatesI'm not sick anymore. So that's good. My nose hurts, but I think it's from getting hit in the face with a soccer ball recently. Let's review how my life is going.<br /><br />Teaching: Challenging but awesome. I really like my students, and teaching statistics is fantastic. They actually need my help! I'm not just a roving participation grader who tries to force them to "discuss" reading that only three people even did. I'm actually teaching and explaining and answering questions, and I really enjoy it. The material is too hard for them, and the professor is drastically overestimating how much they know from their stats prerequisite -- but I'm working hard and helping them as much as I can.<br /><br />Dissertation: Ugh... behind schedule. And just had to face committee at department party. I had this whole plan to finish my chapter before I saw my advisors at the party, but instead I got sick and didn't work on it for a week. The chapter is really, really, almost done but between illness and teaching it just hasn't happened. Maybe this week?<br /><br />Personal Finances: appalling, because:<br /><br />1) Ex-landlord still withholding $800 security deposit because he's an enormous cockwhore who thinks he can fuck over his low-income tenants. I'm going to have to sue him for it.<br /><br />2) $2000 in credit card debt because I didn't get paid all summer.<br /><br />3) AT&T charged me $160 to activate my internet and then deducted an additional $115 from my checking account because of a billing mistake. So, $275 of my first paycheck in three months went to AT&T.<br /><br />Guess what happens when AT&T accidentally overcharges you and then makes an unauthorized deduction from your checking account? They will send you a refund check that takes <b>six weeks</b> to process. It's funny how when you fuck up, you owe them late fees, but when they fuck up, you get your money back six weeks later with no interest penalty whatsoever.<br /><br />Thankfully, I was able to persuade them to send the money by next week after spending an hour on the phone with various departments. But it still won't be here in time for my credit card bill.<br /><br />Sweet-talking customer service representatives has become a big part of my life.<br /><br />4) Spending money. Okay, so I haven't made any big, stupid, impulsive purchases. But I have been purchasing six dollar smoothies, lattes, chimney cakes, and pints of ice cream because I need my vices to sustain me through trying times.<br /><br />I mean, it could be so much worse. Some people cope with their horrifying bank statements by drinking until they pass out, or by doing a lot of meth, or by setting up meth labs in their apartments. My problems drive me to consume moderately priced comfort foods.<br /><br />And okay, there have been a few bar tabs because on occasion, certain women will cause me to drink somewhat excessively. But I've been really good about not doing that for the past 11 days. (readers of my LiveJournal know what I mean)<br /><br />Gay soccer: Lots of fun when I'm not getting hit in the face. Playing soccer really helps to take my mind off everything. Even if the rest of my week is a total disaster, having a scheduled activity makes me feel like I have a life -- the healthy, adult kind of life where I exercise and socialize without doing anything stupid. I sort of wish everyone else in my life could somehow see footage of me playing rec sports and then drinking responsibly afterwards.<br /><br />Cat: She's sleeping on her side right now and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-58264004628676321382011-10-06T01:19:00.005-04:002011-10-06T01:34:42.362-04:00PseudoephedrineI'm against meth and everything. I mean, believe me, the last thing I want in my building is a damn meth lab.<br /><br />But pseudoephedrine is the only cold medicine that works. It's the only reason I have been able to teach my classes without stopping every 60 seconds to sneeze and cough and blow my nose.<br /><br />If they ever take my pseudoephedrine away from me, I will probably jump off a bridge next time I have a head cold.<br /><br />Everyone write your legislators.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-10657260573697157002011-10-02T22:11:00.003-04:002011-10-02T22:45:51.120-04:00SickI have my first cold of the quarter. My throat hurts, my head is congested, my muscles ache, I feel nauseous, and I'm exhausted.<br /><br />I hate that feeling when you first realize you're coming down with something nasty, and you have a whole week of work obligations ahead of you... and you just feel dread because you know you're going to be miserable for dayyysssss.<br /><br />It's an unwritten rule, but I have always sensed that teaching assistants are expected to work through illness unless they're in the emergency room. I can't imagine saying to a professor, "I can't teach my sections this week because I'm sick."<br /><br />So I don't even consider the possibility that I could stay home if I were really sick. I just assume that however I feel, I will work through it.<br /><br />Which is why the onset of illness makes me feel so awful. I feel crappy right now, but the worst part is knowing how crappy I'm going to feel when I have to get out of bed and go to work tomorrow.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-8125164992891396092011-09-21T23:55:00.003-04:002011-09-22T00:53:24.660-04:00The quarter beginsSo, I didn't start teaching this week after all. The professor canceled sections at the last minute -- we didn't even know until he made the announcement in lecture. He said he had realized there was no point in holding sections since we hadn't covered any material yet.<br /><br />I was a little bit disappointed. I had written a whole speech for my students that was meant to inspire them to come to my office hours when they don't understand the material. I will have to deliver it next week.<br /><br />Instead, I spent the afternoon classroom shopping. My first section is supposed to begin immediately after lecture on Wednesdays, but the classroom they gave me was at least 15 minutes away. I don't want to waste valuable instruction time traversing the campus, so I requested a room change. <br /><br />The registrar's office gave me four options. I ordered a smoothie and took a leisurely walk around campus, visiting each of the classrooms. I assessed the size and layout of each room, and when I found one that I liked, I timed the walk from the lecture hall to the room -- just five minutes. Much better.<br /><br />Sure, I could have spent that time on other things, but I think the right classroom is important. If there is too much distance between the instructor and the students, it can feel like lecturing, and they don't participate as much. And if the chairs don't move, I can't order them to form circles and groups for section activities. The classroom that I chose is small with moveable chairs.<br /><br />Nobody can say that I don't care about my students.<br /><br />In other teaching news, we lost a TA due to under-enrollment, so now there are only two of us. I knew this would happen, because I had been watching the numbers, and all summer I was afraid that I would get booted. Thankfully, someone else got moved instead. <br /><br />So I can finally let myself get excited that I'm teaching statistics. I love the material, and I'm excited about teaching methods concepts and problem solving instead of just trying to start discussion about reading that most of them didn't even do. I'm also excited about the opportunity to feel useful: My students are going to need a lot of help with R, and I think it's going to make me feel like I have an actual purpose.<br /><br />And most importantly, teaching this class is an opportunity to finally put my horrible methods comprehensive exam to rest. The comments said, among other things, that I was not qualified to teach even basic statistics to undergrads. I know that I have been assigned to this class because the professor believes that I can do it, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to prove that I can be a competent statistics instructor. So I'm incredibly motivated. Even though I've been a distracted mess in general, I'm very eager to work hard on this class. Nervous, too, because I want so badly to get it right.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-27686063474462171002011-09-19T00:58:00.004-04:002011-09-19T01:38:28.281-04:00The end of summerThe fall quarter starts on Tuesday. I will be teaching for the first time in 18 months. I still don't really believe that I will be on that schedule again, setting the alarm every night. It has been so long since I had to be anywhere.<br /><br />I won't be able to ignore graduate school just because I'm going through stuff. It has been a luxury, and maybe a curse too, that I have been able to just let myself go off the rails for days and weeks at a time.<br /><br />That's over now. I have to learn to feel my stress and sadness without letting my emotions overwhelm my work day. I can't just choose to spend the whole afternoon dancing, walking, working it out at the gym. I can't spend the evenings drinking wine in the bathtub. I can't stay up until 3 a.m. every night.<br /><br />I've been making progress on my dissertation. Today I wrote the entire introduction to a chapter, and I think it's a pretty good introduction. I just sat here on the couch, and I put on the loud music, and I let myself feel everything that is distracting me and stressing me out, and then I forced myself to start typing. That's how it has to be from now on.<br /><br />Maybe it will be good to have structure again. Sometimes when I see people in work clothes, carrying their coffee to the train, I feel jealous that they have someplace to be. I think my problems will feel different when I'm dressed up and going somewhere. I won't just be an unshowered slacker in sweat pants, avoiding my dissertation and feeling like crap. I'll be a busy statistics instructor with a distressing personal life. It's a much better image.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-31700227290537998552011-09-15T14:29:00.005-04:002011-09-15T16:58:10.806-04:00Crime watchI don't live on the sketchy corner, but I can see it from my window. Last night, there was a shooting. I heard several shots that were so loud, I thought they were right in front of my building.<br /><br />The police came very quickly, I'll give them that. Then ambulance and fire. They put the victim on a stretcher and lifted him into the ambulance. The police stayed here for hours. I could still see blue flashing lights through my window when I finally went to bed past 3 a.m.<br /><br />The shooting is most likely retaliation against the Latino gang for another shooting that occurred earlier this week. It's kind of funny/sad: Yesterday evening, a local politician organized a "community walk" to protest gang violence because of the first shooting, and then this happened seven hours later in the same neighborhood. <br /><br />For some reason I felt more shaken than I usually feel about this stuff. I used to live just a block away, so I knew the neighborhood very well when I moved here, and I know to avoid that particular corner at night. I've heard gunshots before. But it was just weird to actually see it from my window.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-26661829694756436052011-09-09T22:03:00.008-04:002011-09-10T00:34:43.875-04:00Distraction CityThe main thing I have felt compelled to do this week is play music. I've been dancing in the apartment, head banging with my hands over my headphones. I have also been taking fast walks through the neighborhood with my iPod shuffle, pretending I don't hear or see the men who call out to me.<br /><br />On Monday, I walked all the way home, pretty damn drunk to be honest, at two in the morning because I missed the last bus. Then on Tuesday, I had a dissertation interview, scheduled weeks ago. I pulled it together and it went fine.<br /><br />When I lived closer to the university, I used to go running late at night and it felt amazing. I stopped when I moved to the city because it didn't feel safe. I would really like to start again -- maybe it would be okay.<br /><br />One thing that's different is that it's getting cold here now. It's down to the 50s at night, and for the first time in months, I'm not too hot at night. I spent so many nights feeling sweaty and itchy that I forgot how it feels to really sleep when I'm comfortable.<br /><br />I haven't seen any bed bugs since I've moved, but it's still early yet. 60 days is when you can feel somewhat safe. Then in 18 months, I can open the ziplock bags I brought from my old apartment.<br /><br />In other news, my ex-landlord is withholding my security deposit. I have decided to fight him for it.<br /><br />When my head is spinning and I can't focus for anything, the one thing I can do is my little RA job. Not my original summer job where the professor disappeared -- she still hasn't contacted me (what gives?) -- but my other job for my advisor. It's because it doesn't involve writing, so loud music doesn't slow me down. Today I actually made a lot of progress. <br /><br />Tomorrow and the next day I have plans, though.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-63141674772219961982011-09-04T21:37:00.004-04:002011-09-04T22:15:55.774-04:00Stupid thingMy computer has been repaired -- the technicians blotted up the coffee and replaced the top half -- and my internet is finally working. I'm settled, unpacked. I have everything I need... except money... but there's nothing I can do about my debts right now. It happened. The money is gone.
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<br />And I can't make myself do anything. I can't focus. I haven't done any work in about two weeks -- understandably, I think, considering the incredible amount of labor involved in the move, plus the sleep deprivation and the stress.
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<br />But now the move is finished, and I am just sitting here.
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<br />I feel very disconnected from graduate school right now. Last night, I admitted to a friend that I never really wanted to be ready for the job market this fall. While part of me felt pressure to try to be ready, another part of me really didn't want it to happen.
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<br />The truth is, I'm afraid to apply for jobs because I don't want to get a job offer that is anywhere except here. I don't want to leave. I can't move to some miserable rural hellhole where there are no gay people and I'm a freak -- but even if I got a fantastic job offer in another big, lefty city, I wouldn't want to take it. This city is my home, and I don't want to leave my community. And... I don't want to move away from her.
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<br />I can imagine my advisors' faces if I were to tell them that I'm unwilling to move. It would not be okay. It's safer to be a slacker, to be failing to get enough work done for whatever reason -- not ready to graduate because I just don't have it together.
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<br />Maybe another year will give me enough time to sort out my personal life, my feelings, and my values, and then the right thing will be clear. But I'm starting to worry that I will have to make this big decision, and I won't know what to do.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-80738846538366748252011-09-02T15:36:00.001-04:002011-09-02T15:36:28.274-04:00Just shoot meAfter waiting at home for three days, and using up all my cell phone minutes on hold with their abominable customer service, AT&T finally fixed my internet.
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<br />They got it up and running about an hour after I spilled an entire cup of coffee on my $1000 laptop and destroyed it. I'm at the Apple store now, and they're surveying the damage, but it doesn't look good. When you have undeniable liquid damage -- and we're talking visible puddles of coffee, no way to deny it -- the repair costs $750.
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<br />The good news is that since I haven't been paid in months, and I have $1500 in credit card debt from the move, another financial catastrophe barely makes a difference at this point. The penny-pound thing.
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<br />This summer has been like that story in the Bible where shitty things keep happening to that guy. Only instead of a plague of frogs and farming difficulties, my list of trials = the bed bugs, the move, financial crisis, stalled dissertation, not being ready for the job market, and internet & computer problems. I just want to put my head down and cry.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-47158909927436242772011-09-01T21:14:00.000-04:002011-09-01T21:15:49.522-04:00Oh godI've moved. Three days of ceaseless misery -- loading the truck in the heat, scrubbing my whole apartment just for the slim chance of security deposit, unloading up three flights of stairs in the heat… everything is in boxes. I have no food because I had to throw it all away for the fumigation. I have no money to replace it.
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<br />And worst of all, I've had NO INTERNET since Monday. There is some problem with the wiring, and the technician could not get it to work. I'm having horrid withdrawal symptoms, can't function without it… can't leave and go to Starbucks because the technicians come "between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m." so I have to sit at home all day doing nothing.
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<br />I mean I could be unpacking, but it's 90 degrees…
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<br />The new apartment is great, it's clean and cute and I think I'll be happy there once I'm actually settled.
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<br />My cat is having a really hard time, however. The new building is under construction, so there is pounding and drilling all day, and she is already incredibly stressed out from the move. She hides all day. She will come out for me in the evening, but then when I go to bed she meows mournfully -- over and over and over. My poor baby.
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<br />Okay, I need to leave this McDonalds and buy food while I still can, since I'm going to be stuck at home all day tomorrow too.
<br />Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-74676948620903366222011-08-25T20:52:00.004-04:002011-08-25T21:21:16.784-04:00Oh memoriesWell, since y'all know that I'm moving, I will tell you a little bit about the packing.
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<br />I've been purging nearly all of my papers. About 50 pounds of printed readings from college and grad school. Plus old assignments, term papers, exams. I have realized that I will never become organized enough to benefit from saving any of this stuff.
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<br />I found a few interesting things:
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<br />My journal from when I was 16 years old. It's incredibly... Sapphic. It's almost entirely about my feelings for a female "friend" and the daily drama of mundane interactions with her. Reading it now, the entries just scream, gay gay gay gay gay. The journal is also very religious. Prayers, psalms, lots about God. You can really see how the inevitable conflict was imminent.
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<br />I also found a letter received by the college newspaper that I worked on, in which a grad student rants for an entire page that he is disgusted that the paper would print such deplorable filth. Truly a classic.
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<br />And, a paper I wrote in college titled, "Hopelessly Screwed: The Unfortunate State of Democracy in America." Looks like I was pretty much right about that.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-54051415881210064382011-08-23T15:31:00.005-04:002011-08-23T16:27:32.342-04:00Okay, I decided to tell you guys everything.I'm a mess and I just need to write about it.
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<br />My apartment is infested with bed bugs. I found out in mid-July. These are the bugs that live in your bed and suck your blood while you sleep. I'm already terrified of bugs. I'm the girl who still runs away from bees, and people think I'm kidding or trying to be cute, but I have this chemical fear reaction that I can't control. My most frequent nightmare is that bugs are on me -- for many years, I've had those dreams once or twice per week. I wake up and bolt out of bed, heart pounding, thinking I see spiders or wasps in the room. I've been checking my bed for bed bugs every night since 2009 because I've been so afraid of getting them. And then it actually happened to me.
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<br />My landlord is being a tremendous asshole about it. I have three bugs in a ziplock, so he can't deny it. But he blames me, and he won't pay for professional treatment. He claims nobody else has a problem, but I really think they are coming out of the walls.
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<br />So I have to move. I don't have any money to pay for this -- I was already behind and in debt because I don't have summer funding -- but I can't live here anymore. I'm going to throw away my bed and my couch, and then I'm putting everything I own on a truck that will be professionally fumigated for 24 hours. Moving day is August 30th.
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<br />So I've been living with this for weeks, and have one week to go. I've been sick with anxiety, can't fall asleep at night, and then even when I do, there is loud construction across the alley that wakes me up early. I think I feel them on me all the time, so I've scratched my legs up for no reason. I'm exhausted and anxious and generally a wreck.
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<br />My landlord is showing my apartment using a service, so groups of people traipse through the place without giving me any notice. They look at everything, open my closets, and I'm just sitting there in my pajamas wanting to cry. I have to cooperate while I still live here because I'm afraid of what my landlord might do to me if I interfere.
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<br />Yesterday morning, I was lying on my bed, in my pajamas, wet hair and puffy eyes -- not asleep -- when I heard keys in the lock. They didn't even knock. My landlord was there, and they were showing the apartment to a young woman about my age. She was very sweet and kept asking me how I liked it here. She loved the apartment. She told me that she's a grad student like me.
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<br />I just couldn't take it. I can't just stand here and let something horrible happen to someone else, especially someone like me who would be on her own without money, trying to get through grad school. She asked to see the back steps, and I shut the door behind us and said "don't live here. It has bed bugs. Please don't tell anyone I told you." and then we went back inside. So now I'm afraid that she told the service, which means they can't rent the apartment, which means my landlord is going to be furious. Something else to worry about.
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<br />I have hardly done any work. I don't know how to explain it to my advisors. I've been trying not to tell anyone. You're not supposed to tell people when you have bed bugs, because nobody wants to be near you. I would never invite people over or visit without taking precautions, but I don't want people to know. It makes me feel dirty and ashamed, and I also think most people don't grasp how completely it messes up your life.
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<br />I'm pretty sure the job market is not happening this year. Maybe it wouldn't have happened anyway -- we were never sure that I'd be ready. I don't even want to go on the job market right now. But now I have people asking me about it, and I feel like some loser slacker saying I just didn't get enough work done. Maybe it's my frayed emotional state, but lately when people ask when I'm going on the job market or graduating, I just come completely unglued. I'm nice about it on the outside, but it makes me feel terrible, makes me hate people for asking even though I know that's not fair.
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<br />On top of everything, I have the most inconvenient crush right now. I can't stop thinking about her, but the situation is all wrong. She's my friend, and I'm just trying to get a grip, but it's driving me to constant distraction when I'm already exhausted and stressed out about everything. I've had such a good run of not being in love with anyone for over a year, of being content with my life, happy to be on my own. Now I just keep thinking about this possibility all the time, and it's horrible.
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<br />So this is why I'm a mess. Right now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't done any work. I haven't eaten any real meals since Sunday. Everything is just overwhelming me, and it's hard to give a fuck about my dissertation.
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<br />Maybe blogging about it will help. Before it seemed important to not confide these things in anyone, not even my blog readers that I don't even know in real life, but now I'm not sure why I felt that way. It's possible that I just don't remember the reasons because I'm so tired.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32803845.post-60179110824918258052011-08-18T23:09:00.003-04:002011-08-18T23:45:50.665-04:00Pick-up gamesI've been playing soccer twice per week. On Saturday mornings, I play gay soccer with my gay soccer team, and then we go out for drinks at gay bars even though it's absurdly early in the day. I usually drink soda, because when I get drunk in the morning, I end up lying around the apartment feeling hot and sick for the rest of the day. It's still fun -- but I can't wait for the fall league, which takes place in the afternoon.
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<br />On Thursdays, I play pick-up soccer with classmates and professors from my department. We meet at the varsity soccer field and climb over the fence. It's technically trespassing, but we could give a fuck. The field should be for everyone.
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<br />I really enjoy these little pickup games. I don't hang out with my classmates very often -- my best grad school friends are in the chemistry and anthropology departments -- but I always participate in department sports. I think this proves that I'm willing to socialize with people in my department. It just helps when there is an activity.
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<br />Today after soccer, one of my friends was planning to take public transit all the way back to the city, so I gave her a ride. She happens to be a few years behind me, in my subfield. Somehow the subject of my ex-advisor came up, and she asked why I don't work with him anymore. I thought she must have found out about the drama, so as I explained that I try not to talk about what happened, I accidentally informed her that shit went down.
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<br />I'm actually kind of stunned that she didn't know -- I really try to keep my mouth shut, but I've slipped a couple of times when I was drunk with other classmates. Maybe they actually kept their promises to not tell anyone.
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<br />I explained that I really tried not to influence her or the other incoming students in my subfield, because I didn't want to trash talk anyone or to interfere with advising relationships. I really just tried to stay away from the incoming students after it happened. They all worked with my ex-advisor, and I was the only one who didn't, and I felt isolated by the whole thing but I thought it was best for everyone.
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<br />But in that moment, I really wanted to tell her. We had been laughing and joking about the other professors in our subfield, and it reminded me of how lonely it has been to not have good friends in my subfield. The students in her cohort hang out all the time, and I know they must gossip about everyone, and I'm jealous that they have each other.
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<br />I'm the only 5th year in my subfield, and there are no 6th years or 4th years, so it was already lonely. But I might be friends with the 3rd years if it hadn't been for everything -- I mean we're friends. We like each other. But we don't hang out and talk about the department. I guess that's just how it had to be, but it's kind of a shame.Di Dihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15274019230847716596noreply@blogger.com2